better. happy.

my mom was 29 years old when i was born. she was 24 when my brother was born. she was married a year (maybe two) before that, making her 23 (or 22). i think by the time chris was born, my parents had already purchased the house we still have.

i'm going to be 28 this year. i have an awful dating track record. i pick really awful partners. i'm losing my job and moving back home. by the time my mom was 28, she was already married, had a house, and had a child while another on the way.

i know i shouldn't compare myself to my mom. i have done things she has never done. i went to college and graduated. i moved out of my parents house. i went back to school again. i've travelled a smidge more than she has (i think she's only been to the poconos, vegas, and calgary vs my alaska, texas, cleveland, multiple trips to chicago that i sorta know my way around, and aruba). i've lived in downtown milwaukee and that's something she is terrified of...

my friends are starting to get engaged, married, buy houses, have kids. even my friends from college are finding jobs in their fields or going to grad school. i feel like i'm falling behind the curve. like i'm somehow below average because i haven't quite figured out my life.

i shouldn't compare myself to others. sometimes i just can't help it.

and then i have to remember, the things those people want are not the same as me. i don't want to get married. i'm not sure about kids. i want to travel without worrying. i might want a house- but i want a small house and i want it to be built for me. i'm not sure if i want to live in the city and enjoy all it has to offer or if i want to move out into the country and enjoy the peace while i garden, sit on a swing, or lay in the grass. i'm not sure if i want to open a catering business or become a social worker or just work some crappy job that allows me to pay my bills and get me to places i want to go.

i have to remember not to compare myself. not to my friends. and not my mother. she never wanted me to be like her. she wants me to be better. happy.

just some thoughts&stuff.

i'm taking a sociology class this semester. it's u-paced, which means i can go at my own pace. the only deadline is may 16th, which is the last day of the semester. all the quizzes must be completed by that date. i got a letter in the mail in march from the sociology department/my professor saying that because i haven't started any of the quizzes, that i should meet with my TA to establish a plan for completing everything on time. it's a 100 level class. hell, it's an intro to sociology class! i took soc classes in oshkosh. i don't need a week to learn two chapters. i started two days ago. so far, so good. two days ago, if i completed one quiz each day, i would finish ON the 16th. tonight i hammered out two quizzes, so i've given myself an extra day or two in case one chapter is particularly hard or i decide i'd rather nap than read about sociology. you have to do at least 14 quizzes to get a D- and each quiz you do after that bumps your grade up by a half (plus, minus, solid). there's 24 quizzes total and i think i can totally get at least a B by the end of the semester, if not an A if i stick to my one quiz a day schedule.

i've been thinking a lot about doing my own catering business. i spent a good hour looking at food truck images on pinterest and books on amazon. i sent an email to danny's friend/my new friend/my work's health inspector to see if she could get me some information on how catering works, food trucks, etc. two things can happen once i see these documents and requirements: i'll either cry and give up or it'll seem doable once i have the money to start everything up. the mayor of west allis said he would help me find a loan to start a bakery in west allis, which would be super awesome. but we'll see.

have i mentioned i'm going to switch to social work? holly tried to convince me not to do it. i'm not doing very well in anatomy&physiology. i could retake it over the summer... but i'm also going to be faced with chemistry, pharmacology, and other things that i KNOW are going to be so so sooo hard for me to understand, memorize, and do. so i'm going with social work. i'm still feeling my way around to see what area i'd like to slip into.

i also applied for a job at the west allis health department for a WIC clerk. i really hope i get the job! the application end date is this coming monday. i should hear in maybe three-four weeks if i'm qualified and be invited in for an interview and all the testing they do. fingers crossed. for $15+ an hour, i'll even put my school plans on hold!

anyway, i should crawl into bed. i have to be at work in less than six hours, which means less than five hours of sleep!

if someone was to purpose to me...

i was engaged once. i was in college. my boyfriend and i had been dating for nine months- six of those months he had been away at boot camp and tech school for the air force. he was home for my birthday and christmas. the day after christmas we were watching a movie in my apartment and i started to cry because i didn't want him to leave again. he sat on the floor while i laid on the couch. he turned around and asked if i would marry him. i said yes. four months later i got my ring (which i still have). we ended up calling it off and parted ways.

been i've been thinking. if i were to ever get engaged again, i would like something like the following to happen:

i want my significant other to lend me a copy of their favorite love story (or has a small plot where two people are devoted to each other or someone devotes themselves to something). and i hope i like the book. i want them to get another copy after i give them back their copy. i want them to cut a hole in the middle of the book and put a ring in there and give me the book. i think that would be sweet. so sweet.

but if i do ever find someone who fits well with me, i'm sure they'll have their own way to ask, if they do. and i'll take it because i'll obviously fit with them and want to be with them too.

unsettling uncertainties and unknowns.

i am so sad inside.

yesterday, my co-workers and i received the news that our boss was going to close the shop. the last day our retail counter will be open is may 31. someone else will be renting the kitchen after that date, but they are allowing us to use the kitchen to do the weddings we have booked until the end of august. my boss had to email her brides she had booked for september and october saying that we are closing, but offered the name of someone else who would be able to fulfill the wedding day deserts. with that, the counter girls are out of a job as of may 31. i still have a job thursday-saturday until the end of august. if i heard correctly, my boss is going to pay me roughly what my paychecks are now, even though i will be working less hours because i'm "worth it" according to her and her sister (my other boss).

while one of my co-workers and myself have complained about our jobs and have considered looking for new ones, we definitely didn't like this happened the way it did. the unknown scares us.

and with that, i will be submitting my 60 day notice to my apartment manager. i've already talked to my mom about moving home and she's okay with that. she's going to let me "live" in most of the space on the second floor in her house once i clean out my old room and she reorganizes things. i'm fairly certain she'll pay for movers to move my things out of my 4th floor studio, but i'll probably have to pay for a storage unit. ideally i won't be living at home for more than, oh, six months. but the unknown of how much money i'll actually be bringing in mixed with finding a job that is flexible with my school schedule... who knows.

i'm deeply saddened that everything is going to be gone soon. my heart is a little broken. my mom is giving me just enough pity to make me feel like my feelings are valid, but not enough to make me feel like i'm a victim (which is a good thing). danny, however, hasn't really given much thought into how i am feeling about leaving MCC and the uncertainties that are soon to follow. i'm considering doing some side business catering once my run at MCC is over. i asked danny what he though and all he had to say was that i would be overwhelmed. my mom came the suggestion from a more practical angle, questioning where i would do this, how, the money, etc.

i should have known something crappy was going to happen. i started making plans for a vacation this summer because we were supposed to be closed july 3-7th. i wanted to get some tattoos that i've been wanting for years. i even started to make a dent in my credit card debt. poof. all gone. i can't even justify getting my small tattoo because that's at least $80 i could have saved. being an adult sucks.

i guess we'll see what happens though. for now, i'll just keep on truckin' with school and what is left of my job before it becomes super duper part time.

can't stick with it.

i graduated from oshkosh in 2010. i was 23. i went back to school in milwaukee when i was 25. it started with art history. then special education. then nursing.

and now? nursing isn't working out so well. the more classes i attend, the dumber i feel. the more irritated i get with science classes and how the professor don't actually teach. you'd think by now i would have some sort of conviction to pick a major and stick with it.

but no. now my mind is wandering to social work. or art education. or jewelry&metalsmithing. i just don't know. what i do know is that i want to be happy. i want to use my hands. i want to contribute to society in a good way. i want to spill compassion everywhere.

i also want to run away.

my job satisfies me for only a few minutes every day... sometimes more if i get to work on a project creating a new whatever or making something we usually don't sell. i like using my hands. most days it doesn't bother me that i need to soak and massage my hands for a good ten minutes in the morning before they are a functional part of my body. i need more. and i need to use my hands.

i'm certain i obtained that quality from my grandpa. he was always working with his hands, always building or fixing or breaking-on-purpose-to-make-it-better fixing things. he respected anyone who used their hands for a living. he passed away in 2010, but i can still remember how rough and chapped his hands were. how scarred and cut up they were. and how it was okay because he was happy making things or fixing things. he was great and i just want him to be proud of me.

anyway. i really don't know what to do about school. i'm really just fed up with a&p and math. i hate both and nothing is clicking. maybe i need to take a semester off or, at the very least, avoid summer classes.

this isn't going to work, is it?

i haven't spoken to danny in a week. last friday we got dinner together. this whole trying to be friends thing just ins't going well. in terms of ex's, i'd say i'm still friends with most of mine. danny is not. trying to create a friendship is really tough for him. he'll say and do things that are mean or he forgets that we're not together. part of this is my fault for not creating clear boundaries; i do tend to blur the lines a little to make adjusting to a friendship a little easier for myself. it's selfish, but it helps me. anyway. he touched my stomach and i told him to stop and he built up his wall and shut down on me. when we were leaving he kissed me and said he still wanted me.

i'm over that relationship. neither one of us were happy and it was becoming toxic and draining. i didn't respond to him, i walked to my car, and started to drive home. he called me while i was driving and wanted to talk, but i heard it as he wanted to start a fight. telling me what i want and how i feel is one sure fire way to lose me. i think that solidified it, the end. if you can't be nice, we can't be friends. he texted me maybe half an hour or an hour later saying it felt later than it was and the following day he sent me another text saying that his grandmas were talking about me. i never responded.

i'm not going to call. i'm done with the back and forth. i know it's difficult for him and this is the only way i know how to make it easier... to just back away and let him be. i know he's internally pissy that i haven't called and he's probably assuming that i don't care. i'm not into this game. when i see holly at school, we chat about him and her ex. i don't know... it sucks because you spend so much time with someone and then it ends and you can't be friends? it seems like such a waste to me.

like i said, we weren't happy. i think we both liked the person we thought the other was. i like the idea of the danny who said he wanted to do the peace corps and seemed like he genuinely liked my niece, who seemed comfortable in his own skin and to be on his own... not the danny he really is. and i'm sure he likes the idea of the lizzie who is affectionate and always around. and that's not really who i am. you can't love the idea of someone and expect it to work. and you can't expect that person to fit the mold you created for them; that is unfair. and to expect things to stay the same, for things to be exactly the way they were when you first met or the same as this time last year or whatever... that's unrealistic. if my life was exactly the same as it was last year, i would be so miserable to repeating the past, not growing at all. we deserve to be happy. danny deserves to be happy. i deserve to be happy. and for whatever reasons, we can't make each other happy.

and that's that. i'm foregoing a party tomorrow night because i know danny will be there. instead i'm going to sit at home and eat chips&guac while studying. or pinteresting. or watching netflix. and that's quite alright with me.

switching.

i'm still really struggling with school. i'm contemplating dropping the remaining classes i have and just cutting my losses for the semester. i've thought about switching to social work. it might be more practical for me- requires less math and science classes. it still falls into my interests. i wanted to do nursing because i wanted to work at an abortion clinic and planned parenthood. i can still help women and children via social work. i still need to look into UWM's social work requirements.

my other option is the peace corps, which i have been talking about for almost a decade. it's harder now because i have my cats... and then there's ava and liam. i'm just not sure i could leave them when they're so small and miss out on those memories... advice would be great.

other than that, not a whole lot has been happening. my coworker's last day was yesterday. danny and i are trying to make a friendship work and it just doesn't seem to be happening. i always have homework to do. same ol' same ol'.