down and out.

i'm having a rough moment.
the kind where i get real down and out on myself.
because i'm comparing myself…
shall i explain?

my friends from oshkosh have jobs working in the environmental field or went off to grad school (one just finished her masters in chemistry and is currently traveling around europe). and then there's me, just bumming around working in bakeries and retail jobs. my friend andrew just applied to the DNR in madison and got the job. he'll be moving from fond du lac to madison sometime next month.

and then i think about me. i'm probably going to be working two part-time jobs for a while. IF everything goes as planned, i won't graduate until 2017. and things rarely go as planned for me. plus i'll have to take the nursing exam to actually become a RN. and i live at home. and i'm just so unhappy right now.

when i was sitting for two hours between classes, i was trying to focus on all the things i love, really love. i love my cats (marla is on my shoulder, purring loudly. jasper is creeping his way up my side). i love ava and liam. i love them so much. and that's basically where my love ended.

i don't know. it's just a rough day i guess.
the weather changed.

SO.

MCC closed august 2nd.

my summer classes ended on august 15th.

my fall classes started september 2nd.

i started a new job today.
about that:
i don't particularly care for it. it's at a donut and pizza shop in tosa. i work behind the counter. basically i'm supposed to fill your donut orders and make fancy drinks. i'm scheduled 2 to 3 days a week for 4-6 hours (usually). i make $8 an hour (i think? no one ever told me and i was too dumb to ask before i accepted the job). i got $26 in tips today so that was kind of awesome. but i don't know how long i'll be staying there.

i had a job interview at honeypie this past wednesday. i'm going back this coming tuesday to work in the kitchen for about an hour so they can see what i can do. if i get this job and it pays more, i think i might have to take it. my other option is to try to work both and go to school.

i'm also considering applying at the pabst for event staffing.

school is rough. none of my classes are easy breezy. or even a little easy. i have five. i'm repeating math. my tuesdays/thursdays consist of four classes from 1230 to 645.

danny and i went down to chicago this past weekend. kind of a tradition now- the weekend before my classes start… we've done it two or three times now. it was nice. we went to the science and industry museum and did a lot of walking around the city. found some good places to eat. took the bus and train a few times. i picked up four new records, some cupcakes, and we stopped at ikea on the way back. a good trip.

it's friday night, quarter to 9. i'm about to start on some homework. i was ready for bed before 8pm just because it was so damn dark out. i love fall, but i'm not ready. i barely even got a summer.

x.

i wish i was a happier girl.

danny and i are sort of mending the breaks? but not really enough to make things better. he's going on a date on thursday. he claims he's just looking for new friends. i don't believe him.

i'm lonely. i'm sad. i'm mad that i don't have a job. i mad that i have to spend so much time doing homework and studying. i'm upset that i have some shitty friends or friends that don't really know me anymore. i'm upset by how negative i've been getting.

i'm just... not happy.

stressing.

i got an A in my social work class.
i bombed my math midterm.
a&p is super questionable.

danny and i got into it saturday night.
he said a multitude of hurtful things to me.
his number is blocked from my phone.
i deactivated my facebook for a few days.
(because i blocked him, unblocked him, and fb told me i had to wait 48 hours to reblock him.)

i'm starting to worry about money.
i only have two more paychecks left at MCC.
my bills are really getting to me.

i'm really stressing out.

quickie.

a few things...

i got an A in nursing research. hooray for me.
i never did buy that little red bike.

i have two weeks left of my social work class.
i'm doing pretty well in it. but i don't think i want to be a social worker.

my math class goes until mid-august.
i'm not sure why i thought it ended in three weeks, but i wish it did.

a&p2 starts on tuesday.

i've had a headache/migraine since last week sunday.
i should probably go to the doctor now.

i still haven't unpacked from moving.

and that's about it.

procrastination thought vomit.

i am 100% procrastinating.

i have a powerpoint presentation with voiceover due by noon on thursday for my nursing research class. i also have to find five articles for my desired topic and do an evidence table and some other stuff.  i haven't started any of it. i just don't want to.

so here i am. it's 10pm. at 830 i told myself i was going to start this. then suddenly it was 9. then 930. that's when i pulled out the information for this assignment and looked at it. i made a table in my microsoft word knock off... and then i decided i needed a break...?

so i've made a deal with myself. if i can get my five articles, the evidence table, the abstracts together, create my narrative, write my references in APA, and just start the powerpoint all before i decide to crash for the night, i am going to buy myself that beautiful red bike i saw over the weekend (as long as it's still there and is the correct size). so... that's the plan.

in other news, my mom and i purchased new cell phones. i dropped my phone about two months ago and it stopped fully charging. this past weekend it wouldn't charge past 20% and it would die almost immediately. we ended up getting iPhones- i used to have a samsung galaxy s2, my mom had a crazy basic pantech phone. the iPhone isn't bad. i don't know what makes it so awesome though. maybe i don't have the right apps yet.

spawning from my new phone joy, danny asked me how much my phone was. it was a little over $500. at&t has this thing were you can pay for it over time instead of upfront. i don't know if they got rid of the $200 buying the phone outright program; that wasn't even offered to my mom and i. my mom claims that her at&t buddy joel said they had gotten rid of the program, but the website wasn't updated? regardless, we had already signed our contracts and blah blah blah. danny kept going on about how we shouldn't have done that, saying how he was just trying to help me save money because he knows how i don't have a lot, etc etc. i just ended up getting pissed. first of all, he doesn't know how much money i have. it's true i don't make a lot of money. but i also have a stash of stupid visa credit card gift cards laying around. i'm also getting my security deposit back from my studio. so RIGHT THERE is the cost of my phone and then some. second, the contract was ALREADY SIGNED. it was done and over with. there was no point in continuing the conversation on something that had already been finalized. so i told him to stop talking about it. eventually it ended up being a fight where he told me i was "cold" and i tried to defend my position by logically saying that the contract was already signed and there was nothing else to discuss. he just kept repeating that i was cold and that i shouldn't contact him again because he just can't deal with my responses and if this is how i'm going to respond to someone just trying to help me then he doesn't want to talk to me. i didn't respond.

in fact, i deleted his number and his texts from my phone. i have a feeling he did the same. my number used to be listed on Facebook, so even if he did delete my number, he could always find it again without asking his siblings... until today when i removed it. his number is still on Facebook, but the likelihood that i'm going to seek out his number while i'm out and about is very unlikely.

i just can't deal with his on again off again friendship. he's too fucking sensitive. he can't take criticism. he can't see how he treats or speaks to people and how it sometimes comes off as rude and condescending. yes, i can be a bitch. yes, sometimes i just don't give a fuck or i don't have the patience to deal with someone who is acting childish. sometimes i, myself, act childish or silly. but to say that i'm cold? to say that i need to watch my tone? woah buddy, you better check yourself. i told myself that the next time he pulls this "we can't be friends" thing, it's over for me. friendship over. and i'm fairly certain this is it. and i feel almost okay with it... but part of me is like "eeehhhhh, maybe i'll just text him to see how it is. maybe i'll send him a picture of my cats. maybe he'll want to go for a bike ride this weekend."

but honestly, maybe it's better he steps out of my life. i can focus on school without having to make time for him. i can continue on with my double major without anyone questioning or suggesting or even stating that this is too much. hell, maybe i'll even lose all the weight i ended up gaining when i started to date him. i know i can be happy without him. i just think it's a shame to have spent almost two years with someone only to throw a friendship away since the relationship failed.

and that's another thing! he's constantly asking if i can see myself dating him again. and when things like this happen, no. no i cannot. and frankly i'm not sure i would want to date him again. i don't know if i'd want to marry him. i think that after all the fights and the take-backs, i'm just worn out. when i think about my future, i can see myself alone. i can see myself living out in the country in a little cottage with a small garden. i can see a sort of hazy child- could be biological, could be adopted, could even be ava or liam. who knows. but right now i don't see any partner. i don't see danny. i see myself and i look content with my life choices.

ANYWAY. homework.

no rent = happy savings account!

can i just say that not having to pay $600 in rent this month has been awesome? especially for my savings account. i hope the rest of summer is awesome like this, with very little expenses. my boss gave me a $500 bonus on my last check. i put ALL of the bonus into savings. the paycheck before that, i could spare $200 to go into savings. it's just SO NICE to not have to give one entire paycheck away. fingers crossed that i'll find a new job in late july/august so i can continue to make my savings account happy.

the last few moments in my studio.

i did ride into a bike store today, though... and fell in love with a little red bike for $150. i might just buy it.

306: last night.

tonight is my last night in my studio apartment. movers are coming between 130 and 230 in the afternoon. i've spent my night packing and cleaning up some things. i still have a lot more stuff to clean and pack, but the movers are only moving the large and heavy pieces and putting into my storage unit. everything else i will be moving myself. 

i moved into this studio in april 2012. before i lived here, i shared an apartment with my exboyfriend mark and his friend blake. our lease was up at the end of march. that january mark had started to talk about living with his friend amanda. he said i could live with them too, but that he was going to move in with her. from there, it was downhill. i refused to live with her so i started looking for a place to live. i looked at an apartment that was supposed to be a studio, but the manager showed me a two bedroom instead and then made me feel awful that i couldn't afford it. i arranged a meeting with another apartment only to show up and have the guy say that he already rented the place. i looked at a studio down the block from my current studio and it was TINY. i found this studio on craigslist; someone was trying to sublease it. it ended up being pretty much perfect. all the utilities were included, it allowed cats, it was in a decent neighborhood (brady street), and the price was good enough ($525).

my boss patti, her husband and son, and my coworker katie moved me out of my old apartment and into this fourth floor walk-up studio. i didn't stay here for the first week. the very first night i slept in my apartment i had meghan stay over with me. after that, i ended up sleeping on my futon for a while. i bought a couch and a chair. i bought shelving units. i filled up my place with comfortable pieces. i made it a home.

i've had only a few issues living here. i have a drafty window. none of the windows stay open by themselves. i had a spurt of awful electricity. my kitchen sink is still broken. they raised rent to $599. i heard their raising it again once i move out. 

well. things are packed or in the process of being packed. my bed is ready to be taken apart and the mattress are ready to be sealed in plastic. i wrapped my chair and ottoman myself. i'm spending the night sleeping on my couch... basically just how i started my little life in this studio apartment. 

i'll spend the reset of the week moving things out and taking them to my mom's and cleaning the shit out of this place. i did the best i could with sweeping tonight, but i really want to vacuum my hardwood floors and mop them. and then i'll do my final walk-through and peace out.

it's been real, 306.

sociology games.

i've procrastinated myself into a tizzy. my sociology class was a u-paced class, meaning i can go at my own pace as long as i complete the assignments by the end of the semester. i started the class, what, last week? and i've been awful at doing one quiz a day.

and do you know why? because i bought the stupid hunger games trilogy books and i can't put them down. i powered through the first book last week. i started the second one monday night and i'm almost done with it. i read a chapter or two when i wake up in the morning (i willingly get up earlier for this!), i read a few when i come home from work, one or two throughout the night between sociology and dicking around on the internet, and then one chapter before i go to bed. good grief.

what am i going to do when i finish the series? i'll be so lost. i've never had a weird YA lit addiction/obsession like this. this is strange and i'm not sure i like it very much.

but i do need to get my ass in gear with this sociology stuff. there's a little more than two weeks left to power through. two quizzes a day, basically. ughhh.

better. happy.

my mom was 29 years old when i was born. she was 24 when my brother was born. she was married a year (maybe two) before that, making her 23 (or 22). i think by the time chris was born, my parents had already purchased the house we still have.

i'm going to be 28 this year. i have an awful dating track record. i pick really awful partners. i'm losing my job and moving back home. by the time my mom was 28, she was already married, had a house, and had a child while another on the way.

i know i shouldn't compare myself to my mom. i have done things she has never done. i went to college and graduated. i moved out of my parents house. i went back to school again. i've travelled a smidge more than she has (i think she's only been to the poconos, vegas, and calgary vs my alaska, texas, cleveland, multiple trips to chicago that i sorta know my way around, and aruba). i've lived in downtown milwaukee and that's something she is terrified of...

my friends are starting to get engaged, married, buy houses, have kids. even my friends from college are finding jobs in their fields or going to grad school. i feel like i'm falling behind the curve. like i'm somehow below average because i haven't quite figured out my life.

i shouldn't compare myself to others. sometimes i just can't help it.

and then i have to remember, the things those people want are not the same as me. i don't want to get married. i'm not sure about kids. i want to travel without worrying. i might want a house- but i want a small house and i want it to be built for me. i'm not sure if i want to live in the city and enjoy all it has to offer or if i want to move out into the country and enjoy the peace while i garden, sit on a swing, or lay in the grass. i'm not sure if i want to open a catering business or become a social worker or just work some crappy job that allows me to pay my bills and get me to places i want to go.

i have to remember not to compare myself. not to my friends. and not my mother. she never wanted me to be like her. she wants me to be better. happy.

just some thoughts&stuff.

i'm taking a sociology class this semester. it's u-paced, which means i can go at my own pace. the only deadline is may 16th, which is the last day of the semester. all the quizzes must be completed by that date. i got a letter in the mail in march from the sociology department/my professor saying that because i haven't started any of the quizzes, that i should meet with my TA to establish a plan for completing everything on time. it's a 100 level class. hell, it's an intro to sociology class! i took soc classes in oshkosh. i don't need a week to learn two chapters. i started two days ago. so far, so good. two days ago, if i completed one quiz each day, i would finish ON the 16th. tonight i hammered out two quizzes, so i've given myself an extra day or two in case one chapter is particularly hard or i decide i'd rather nap than read about sociology. you have to do at least 14 quizzes to get a D- and each quiz you do after that bumps your grade up by a half (plus, minus, solid). there's 24 quizzes total and i think i can totally get at least a B by the end of the semester, if not an A if i stick to my one quiz a day schedule.

i've been thinking a lot about doing my own catering business. i spent a good hour looking at food truck images on pinterest and books on amazon. i sent an email to danny's friend/my new friend/my work's health inspector to see if she could get me some information on how catering works, food trucks, etc. two things can happen once i see these documents and requirements: i'll either cry and give up or it'll seem doable once i have the money to start everything up. the mayor of west allis said he would help me find a loan to start a bakery in west allis, which would be super awesome. but we'll see.

have i mentioned i'm going to switch to social work? holly tried to convince me not to do it. i'm not doing very well in anatomy&physiology. i could retake it over the summer... but i'm also going to be faced with chemistry, pharmacology, and other things that i KNOW are going to be so so sooo hard for me to understand, memorize, and do. so i'm going with social work. i'm still feeling my way around to see what area i'd like to slip into.

i also applied for a job at the west allis health department for a WIC clerk. i really hope i get the job! the application end date is this coming monday. i should hear in maybe three-four weeks if i'm qualified and be invited in for an interview and all the testing they do. fingers crossed. for $15+ an hour, i'll even put my school plans on hold!

anyway, i should crawl into bed. i have to be at work in less than six hours, which means less than five hours of sleep!

if someone was to purpose to me...

i was engaged once. i was in college. my boyfriend and i had been dating for nine months- six of those months he had been away at boot camp and tech school for the air force. he was home for my birthday and christmas. the day after christmas we were watching a movie in my apartment and i started to cry because i didn't want him to leave again. he sat on the floor while i laid on the couch. he turned around and asked if i would marry him. i said yes. four months later i got my ring (which i still have). we ended up calling it off and parted ways.

been i've been thinking. if i were to ever get engaged again, i would like something like the following to happen:

i want my significant other to lend me a copy of their favorite love story (or has a small plot where two people are devoted to each other or someone devotes themselves to something). and i hope i like the book. i want them to get another copy after i give them back their copy. i want them to cut a hole in the middle of the book and put a ring in there and give me the book. i think that would be sweet. so sweet.

but if i do ever find someone who fits well with me, i'm sure they'll have their own way to ask, if they do. and i'll take it because i'll obviously fit with them and want to be with them too.

unsettling uncertainties and unknowns.

i am so sad inside.

yesterday, my co-workers and i received the news that our boss was going to close the shop. the last day our retail counter will be open is may 31. someone else will be renting the kitchen after that date, but they are allowing us to use the kitchen to do the weddings we have booked until the end of august. my boss had to email her brides she had booked for september and october saying that we are closing, but offered the name of someone else who would be able to fulfill the wedding day deserts. with that, the counter girls are out of a job as of may 31. i still have a job thursday-saturday until the end of august. if i heard correctly, my boss is going to pay me roughly what my paychecks are now, even though i will be working less hours because i'm "worth it" according to her and her sister (my other boss).

while one of my co-workers and myself have complained about our jobs and have considered looking for new ones, we definitely didn't like this happened the way it did. the unknown scares us.

and with that, i will be submitting my 60 day notice to my apartment manager. i've already talked to my mom about moving home and she's okay with that. she's going to let me "live" in most of the space on the second floor in her house once i clean out my old room and she reorganizes things. i'm fairly certain she'll pay for movers to move my things out of my 4th floor studio, but i'll probably have to pay for a storage unit. ideally i won't be living at home for more than, oh, six months. but the unknown of how much money i'll actually be bringing in mixed with finding a job that is flexible with my school schedule... who knows.

i'm deeply saddened that everything is going to be gone soon. my heart is a little broken. my mom is giving me just enough pity to make me feel like my feelings are valid, but not enough to make me feel like i'm a victim (which is a good thing). danny, however, hasn't really given much thought into how i am feeling about leaving MCC and the uncertainties that are soon to follow. i'm considering doing some side business catering once my run at MCC is over. i asked danny what he though and all he had to say was that i would be overwhelmed. my mom came the suggestion from a more practical angle, questioning where i would do this, how, the money, etc.

i should have known something crappy was going to happen. i started making plans for a vacation this summer because we were supposed to be closed july 3-7th. i wanted to get some tattoos that i've been wanting for years. i even started to make a dent in my credit card debt. poof. all gone. i can't even justify getting my small tattoo because that's at least $80 i could have saved. being an adult sucks.

i guess we'll see what happens though. for now, i'll just keep on truckin' with school and what is left of my job before it becomes super duper part time.

can't stick with it.

i graduated from oshkosh in 2010. i was 23. i went back to school in milwaukee when i was 25. it started with art history. then special education. then nursing.

and now? nursing isn't working out so well. the more classes i attend, the dumber i feel. the more irritated i get with science classes and how the professor don't actually teach. you'd think by now i would have some sort of conviction to pick a major and stick with it.

but no. now my mind is wandering to social work. or art education. or jewelry&metalsmithing. i just don't know. what i do know is that i want to be happy. i want to use my hands. i want to contribute to society in a good way. i want to spill compassion everywhere.

i also want to run away.

my job satisfies me for only a few minutes every day... sometimes more if i get to work on a project creating a new whatever or making something we usually don't sell. i like using my hands. most days it doesn't bother me that i need to soak and massage my hands for a good ten minutes in the morning before they are a functional part of my body. i need more. and i need to use my hands.

i'm certain i obtained that quality from my grandpa. he was always working with his hands, always building or fixing or breaking-on-purpose-to-make-it-better fixing things. he respected anyone who used their hands for a living. he passed away in 2010, but i can still remember how rough and chapped his hands were. how scarred and cut up they were. and how it was okay because he was happy making things or fixing things. he was great and i just want him to be proud of me.

anyway. i really don't know what to do about school. i'm really just fed up with a&p and math. i hate both and nothing is clicking. maybe i need to take a semester off or, at the very least, avoid summer classes.

this isn't going to work, is it?

i haven't spoken to danny in a week. last friday we got dinner together. this whole trying to be friends thing just ins't going well. in terms of ex's, i'd say i'm still friends with most of mine. danny is not. trying to create a friendship is really tough for him. he'll say and do things that are mean or he forgets that we're not together. part of this is my fault for not creating clear boundaries; i do tend to blur the lines a little to make adjusting to a friendship a little easier for myself. it's selfish, but it helps me. anyway. he touched my stomach and i told him to stop and he built up his wall and shut down on me. when we were leaving he kissed me and said he still wanted me.

i'm over that relationship. neither one of us were happy and it was becoming toxic and draining. i didn't respond to him, i walked to my car, and started to drive home. he called me while i was driving and wanted to talk, but i heard it as he wanted to start a fight. telling me what i want and how i feel is one sure fire way to lose me. i think that solidified it, the end. if you can't be nice, we can't be friends. he texted me maybe half an hour or an hour later saying it felt later than it was and the following day he sent me another text saying that his grandmas were talking about me. i never responded.

i'm not going to call. i'm done with the back and forth. i know it's difficult for him and this is the only way i know how to make it easier... to just back away and let him be. i know he's internally pissy that i haven't called and he's probably assuming that i don't care. i'm not into this game. when i see holly at school, we chat about him and her ex. i don't know... it sucks because you spend so much time with someone and then it ends and you can't be friends? it seems like such a waste to me.

like i said, we weren't happy. i think we both liked the person we thought the other was. i like the idea of the danny who said he wanted to do the peace corps and seemed like he genuinely liked my niece, who seemed comfortable in his own skin and to be on his own... not the danny he really is. and i'm sure he likes the idea of the lizzie who is affectionate and always around. and that's not really who i am. you can't love the idea of someone and expect it to work. and you can't expect that person to fit the mold you created for them; that is unfair. and to expect things to stay the same, for things to be exactly the way they were when you first met or the same as this time last year or whatever... that's unrealistic. if my life was exactly the same as it was last year, i would be so miserable to repeating the past, not growing at all. we deserve to be happy. danny deserves to be happy. i deserve to be happy. and for whatever reasons, we can't make each other happy.

and that's that. i'm foregoing a party tomorrow night because i know danny will be there. instead i'm going to sit at home and eat chips&guac while studying. or pinteresting. or watching netflix. and that's quite alright with me.

switching.

i'm still really struggling with school. i'm contemplating dropping the remaining classes i have and just cutting my losses for the semester. i've thought about switching to social work. it might be more practical for me- requires less math and science classes. it still falls into my interests. i wanted to do nursing because i wanted to work at an abortion clinic and planned parenthood. i can still help women and children via social work. i still need to look into UWM's social work requirements.

my other option is the peace corps, which i have been talking about for almost a decade. it's harder now because i have my cats... and then there's ava and liam. i'm just not sure i could leave them when they're so small and miss out on those memories... advice would be great.

other than that, not a whole lot has been happening. my coworker's last day was yesterday. danny and i are trying to make a friendship work and it just doesn't seem to be happening. i always have homework to do. same ol' same ol'.

swamped.

i feel like i am getting pummeled by school. i dropped my biology of women class, but i'm still enrolled in sociology, math, and a&p. i'm constantly doing homework or meeting a due date. so tired.

my coworker came to work three hours late and hammered on saturday. i contacted my boss, she showed up at work, and sent him home. they talked on monday and my coworker decided to give his two weeks. he thinks that working in the bakery is what is causing him to be such an alcoholic. truth is, he has always been an alcoholic since he started the job three years ago. it is just getting worse because his disease is progressing. i'm bummed that he's leaving, disappointed at his lack of insight, but mostly i'm annoyed that he keeps showing up to work roughly an hour late everyday.

well. i just thought i'd pop in. i'm pretty tired. the cats kept me up last night and this morning so i'm probably going to snuggle into my blankets with a natgeo magazine and fall asleep.

on success.

my group didn't actually have any questions completed on friday for our a&p case study. it took us about four and a half hours to answer nine questions. SO glad that is over. we have three more case studies throughout the rest of the semester. we vowed to not wait two days before it is due to start the next one.

last night i actually went to bed a little before midnight. i woke up and i felt "eh." i wasn't tired. i wasn't full of energy. just, you know, eh. i worked for ten hours, which didn't feel like ten hours.

on my drive home, my car started to overheat. in a panic, i called my mom. she said she'd come down to my apartment tomorrow with antifreeze to see if that'll do the trick.

i basically started my day with a feeling of defeat. i'm ending it the same. i ordered too much chinese food, i'm getting frustrated with homework, my cats are being loud and running around frantically, and both neighbors have their tvs on loud enough to irritate me through the walls.

my apartment is a mess. any suggestions on how to tackle large messes? i mean, i'm to the point where i might just throw everything away. i'm definitely reaching that point with my kitchen. because my kitchen sink has been messed up since october and they haven't fixed it, i end up washing dishes in my bathtub. because of that, i let the dishes pile up. so i'm contemplating just throwing away everything and buying new pots and pans, dishes, and flatware. so, like i said, suggestions? and spare the "one room at a time" thing. this is a studio. it's all one room and every part of it flows into the next.

maybe tomorrow will be better. or, at the very least, more motivating.

a&p requires too much time.

i have a case study do for my a&p class today.

last night i met holly at the library and we hammered through the three gateway quizzes we had to take in order to get more information. we still have to write a paper. she and i will be meeting later today with another person to collectively pool and write our paper.

i left the library a little after 10pm last night. i spent an hour trying to relax and not stress out. it didn't work. around midnight i must have fallen asleep... with all my lights on, backpack and laptop right next to me. i woke up a little after 4am. it's 545am right now. i have one question out of nine done because i just can't focus. i am so tired.

there is so much work to be done this weekend. i just want to sleep all weekend. a 200 level class should not be this hard and should not consume this much of someone's time.

i have to get ready and leave for work within the next hour. i big ol' apology to my group for not getting more than half the questions done.

why must it be so hard to go to school and work at the same time?!

when it's quite.

i'm currently at my mom's house. i have studying to do and some quizzes to take. in the past, my apartment building neighbor has cheered during football games to the point where it sounded like he was almost in my studio. and today is the super bowl. so, i decided to come to my mom's.

this is my view right now:

i came here for quiet. when i first hiked up the steps to the second floor of my mom's house, she didn't quite understand that i had come for silence. i heard her bustling around the kitchen, making much more noise than i'm accustomed to outside of work. i shut the door that connects the kitchen to the upstairs hallway steps. she asked what i was doing; i responded with "too loud." i think she understood. she quickly finished whatever it was she was doing and has been napping in her chair ever since.

i sit in the quiet often. i hear the way the radiators whistle and sizzle in my apartment, the occasional car move through the street. i can almost always pinpoint what exactly my cats are doing to create the noise they're making. and i can hear myself think. it isn't until i realize that i've been sitting in silence for five hours that it becomes strange to me. who sits alone, quietly, for that long? i do.

i don't think i really ever sat quietly when i was in oshkosh. the second i came home from class or work, i would turn on my music. i slept with music on. i had to have my iPod with me on the way to and from class. when i started working at MCC and moved in with my old boyfriend mark and his friend blake, that's when i started to get quiet. but i think i solidified my enjoyment for the lulling sounds of buildings settling, quiet people living quiet lives, and my own thoughts when i moved into my studio.

and it's nice.