down and out.

i'm having a rough moment.
the kind where i get real down and out on myself.
because i'm comparing myself…
shall i explain?

my friends from oshkosh have jobs working in the environmental field or went off to grad school (one just finished her masters in chemistry and is currently traveling around europe). and then there's me, just bumming around working in bakeries and retail jobs. my friend andrew just applied to the DNR in madison and got the job. he'll be moving from fond du lac to madison sometime next month.

and then i think about me. i'm probably going to be working two part-time jobs for a while. IF everything goes as planned, i won't graduate until 2017. and things rarely go as planned for me. plus i'll have to take the nursing exam to actually become a RN. and i live at home. and i'm just so unhappy right now.

when i was sitting for two hours between classes, i was trying to focus on all the things i love, really love. i love my cats (marla is on my shoulder, purring loudly. jasper is creeping his way up my side). i love ava and liam. i love them so much. and that's basically where my love ended.

i don't know. it's just a rough day i guess.
the weather changed.

SO.

MCC closed august 2nd.

my summer classes ended on august 15th.

my fall classes started september 2nd.

i started a new job today.
about that:
i don't particularly care for it. it's at a donut and pizza shop in tosa. i work behind the counter. basically i'm supposed to fill your donut orders and make fancy drinks. i'm scheduled 2 to 3 days a week for 4-6 hours (usually). i make $8 an hour (i think? no one ever told me and i was too dumb to ask before i accepted the job). i got $26 in tips today so that was kind of awesome. but i don't know how long i'll be staying there.

i had a job interview at honeypie this past wednesday. i'm going back this coming tuesday to work in the kitchen for about an hour so they can see what i can do. if i get this job and it pays more, i think i might have to take it. my other option is to try to work both and go to school.

i'm also considering applying at the pabst for event staffing.

school is rough. none of my classes are easy breezy. or even a little easy. i have five. i'm repeating math. my tuesdays/thursdays consist of four classes from 1230 to 645.

danny and i went down to chicago this past weekend. kind of a tradition now- the weekend before my classes start… we've done it two or three times now. it was nice. we went to the science and industry museum and did a lot of walking around the city. found some good places to eat. took the bus and train a few times. i picked up four new records, some cupcakes, and we stopped at ikea on the way back. a good trip.

it's friday night, quarter to 9. i'm about to start on some homework. i was ready for bed before 8pm just because it was so damn dark out. i love fall, but i'm not ready. i barely even got a summer.

x.

i wish i was a happier girl.

danny and i are sort of mending the breaks? but not really enough to make things better. he's going on a date on thursday. he claims he's just looking for new friends. i don't believe him.

i'm lonely. i'm sad. i'm mad that i don't have a job. i mad that i have to spend so much time doing homework and studying. i'm upset that i have some shitty friends or friends that don't really know me anymore. i'm upset by how negative i've been getting.

i'm just... not happy.

stressing.

i got an A in my social work class.
i bombed my math midterm.
a&p is super questionable.

danny and i got into it saturday night.
he said a multitude of hurtful things to me.
his number is blocked from my phone.
i deactivated my facebook for a few days.
(because i blocked him, unblocked him, and fb told me i had to wait 48 hours to reblock him.)

i'm starting to worry about money.
i only have two more paychecks left at MCC.
my bills are really getting to me.

i'm really stressing out.

quickie.

a few things...

i got an A in nursing research. hooray for me.
i never did buy that little red bike.

i have two weeks left of my social work class.
i'm doing pretty well in it. but i don't think i want to be a social worker.

my math class goes until mid-august.
i'm not sure why i thought it ended in three weeks, but i wish it did.

a&p2 starts on tuesday.

i've had a headache/migraine since last week sunday.
i should probably go to the doctor now.

i still haven't unpacked from moving.

and that's about it.

procrastination thought vomit.

i am 100% procrastinating.

i have a powerpoint presentation with voiceover due by noon on thursday for my nursing research class. i also have to find five articles for my desired topic and do an evidence table and some other stuff.  i haven't started any of it. i just don't want to.

so here i am. it's 10pm. at 830 i told myself i was going to start this. then suddenly it was 9. then 930. that's when i pulled out the information for this assignment and looked at it. i made a table in my microsoft word knock off... and then i decided i needed a break...?

so i've made a deal with myself. if i can get my five articles, the evidence table, the abstracts together, create my narrative, write my references in APA, and just start the powerpoint all before i decide to crash for the night, i am going to buy myself that beautiful red bike i saw over the weekend (as long as it's still there and is the correct size). so... that's the plan.

in other news, my mom and i purchased new cell phones. i dropped my phone about two months ago and it stopped fully charging. this past weekend it wouldn't charge past 20% and it would die almost immediately. we ended up getting iPhones- i used to have a samsung galaxy s2, my mom had a crazy basic pantech phone. the iPhone isn't bad. i don't know what makes it so awesome though. maybe i don't have the right apps yet.

spawning from my new phone joy, danny asked me how much my phone was. it was a little over $500. at&t has this thing were you can pay for it over time instead of upfront. i don't know if they got rid of the $200 buying the phone outright program; that wasn't even offered to my mom and i. my mom claims that her at&t buddy joel said they had gotten rid of the program, but the website wasn't updated? regardless, we had already signed our contracts and blah blah blah. danny kept going on about how we shouldn't have done that, saying how he was just trying to help me save money because he knows how i don't have a lot, etc etc. i just ended up getting pissed. first of all, he doesn't know how much money i have. it's true i don't make a lot of money. but i also have a stash of stupid visa credit card gift cards laying around. i'm also getting my security deposit back from my studio. so RIGHT THERE is the cost of my phone and then some. second, the contract was ALREADY SIGNED. it was done and over with. there was no point in continuing the conversation on something that had already been finalized. so i told him to stop talking about it. eventually it ended up being a fight where he told me i was "cold" and i tried to defend my position by logically saying that the contract was already signed and there was nothing else to discuss. he just kept repeating that i was cold and that i shouldn't contact him again because he just can't deal with my responses and if this is how i'm going to respond to someone just trying to help me then he doesn't want to talk to me. i didn't respond.

in fact, i deleted his number and his texts from my phone. i have a feeling he did the same. my number used to be listed on Facebook, so even if he did delete my number, he could always find it again without asking his siblings... until today when i removed it. his number is still on Facebook, but the likelihood that i'm going to seek out his number while i'm out and about is very unlikely.

i just can't deal with his on again off again friendship. he's too fucking sensitive. he can't take criticism. he can't see how he treats or speaks to people and how it sometimes comes off as rude and condescending. yes, i can be a bitch. yes, sometimes i just don't give a fuck or i don't have the patience to deal with someone who is acting childish. sometimes i, myself, act childish or silly. but to say that i'm cold? to say that i need to watch my tone? woah buddy, you better check yourself. i told myself that the next time he pulls this "we can't be friends" thing, it's over for me. friendship over. and i'm fairly certain this is it. and i feel almost okay with it... but part of me is like "eeehhhhh, maybe i'll just text him to see how it is. maybe i'll send him a picture of my cats. maybe he'll want to go for a bike ride this weekend."

but honestly, maybe it's better he steps out of my life. i can focus on school without having to make time for him. i can continue on with my double major without anyone questioning or suggesting or even stating that this is too much. hell, maybe i'll even lose all the weight i ended up gaining when i started to date him. i know i can be happy without him. i just think it's a shame to have spent almost two years with someone only to throw a friendship away since the relationship failed.

and that's another thing! he's constantly asking if i can see myself dating him again. and when things like this happen, no. no i cannot. and frankly i'm not sure i would want to date him again. i don't know if i'd want to marry him. i think that after all the fights and the take-backs, i'm just worn out. when i think about my future, i can see myself alone. i can see myself living out in the country in a little cottage with a small garden. i can see a sort of hazy child- could be biological, could be adopted, could even be ava or liam. who knows. but right now i don't see any partner. i don't see danny. i see myself and i look content with my life choices.

ANYWAY. homework.

no rent = happy savings account!

can i just say that not having to pay $600 in rent this month has been awesome? especially for my savings account. i hope the rest of summer is awesome like this, with very little expenses. my boss gave me a $500 bonus on my last check. i put ALL of the bonus into savings. the paycheck before that, i could spare $200 to go into savings. it's just SO NICE to not have to give one entire paycheck away. fingers crossed that i'll find a new job in late july/august so i can continue to make my savings account happy.

the last few moments in my studio.

i did ride into a bike store today, though... and fell in love with a little red bike for $150. i might just buy it.

306: last night.

tonight is my last night in my studio apartment. movers are coming between 130 and 230 in the afternoon. i've spent my night packing and cleaning up some things. i still have a lot more stuff to clean and pack, but the movers are only moving the large and heavy pieces and putting into my storage unit. everything else i will be moving myself. 

i moved into this studio in april 2012. before i lived here, i shared an apartment with my exboyfriend mark and his friend blake. our lease was up at the end of march. that january mark had started to talk about living with his friend amanda. he said i could live with them too, but that he was going to move in with her. from there, it was downhill. i refused to live with her so i started looking for a place to live. i looked at an apartment that was supposed to be a studio, but the manager showed me a two bedroom instead and then made me feel awful that i couldn't afford it. i arranged a meeting with another apartment only to show up and have the guy say that he already rented the place. i looked at a studio down the block from my current studio and it was TINY. i found this studio on craigslist; someone was trying to sublease it. it ended up being pretty much perfect. all the utilities were included, it allowed cats, it was in a decent neighborhood (brady street), and the price was good enough ($525).

my boss patti, her husband and son, and my coworker katie moved me out of my old apartment and into this fourth floor walk-up studio. i didn't stay here for the first week. the very first night i slept in my apartment i had meghan stay over with me. after that, i ended up sleeping on my futon for a while. i bought a couch and a chair. i bought shelving units. i filled up my place with comfortable pieces. i made it a home.

i've had only a few issues living here. i have a drafty window. none of the windows stay open by themselves. i had a spurt of awful electricity. my kitchen sink is still broken. they raised rent to $599. i heard their raising it again once i move out. 

well. things are packed or in the process of being packed. my bed is ready to be taken apart and the mattress are ready to be sealed in plastic. i wrapped my chair and ottoman myself. i'm spending the night sleeping on my couch... basically just how i started my little life in this studio apartment. 

i'll spend the reset of the week moving things out and taking them to my mom's and cleaning the shit out of this place. i did the best i could with sweeping tonight, but i really want to vacuum my hardwood floors and mop them. and then i'll do my final walk-through and peace out.

it's been real, 306.

sociology games.

i've procrastinated myself into a tizzy. my sociology class was a u-paced class, meaning i can go at my own pace as long as i complete the assignments by the end of the semester. i started the class, what, last week? and i've been awful at doing one quiz a day.

and do you know why? because i bought the stupid hunger games trilogy books and i can't put them down. i powered through the first book last week. i started the second one monday night and i'm almost done with it. i read a chapter or two when i wake up in the morning (i willingly get up earlier for this!), i read a few when i come home from work, one or two throughout the night between sociology and dicking around on the internet, and then one chapter before i go to bed. good grief.

what am i going to do when i finish the series? i'll be so lost. i've never had a weird YA lit addiction/obsession like this. this is strange and i'm not sure i like it very much.

but i do need to get my ass in gear with this sociology stuff. there's a little more than two weeks left to power through. two quizzes a day, basically. ughhh.

better. happy.

my mom was 29 years old when i was born. she was 24 when my brother was born. she was married a year (maybe two) before that, making her 23 (or 22). i think by the time chris was born, my parents had already purchased the house we still have.

i'm going to be 28 this year. i have an awful dating track record. i pick really awful partners. i'm losing my job and moving back home. by the time my mom was 28, she was already married, had a house, and had a child while another on the way.

i know i shouldn't compare myself to my mom. i have done things she has never done. i went to college and graduated. i moved out of my parents house. i went back to school again. i've travelled a smidge more than she has (i think she's only been to the poconos, vegas, and calgary vs my alaska, texas, cleveland, multiple trips to chicago that i sorta know my way around, and aruba). i've lived in downtown milwaukee and that's something she is terrified of...

my friends are starting to get engaged, married, buy houses, have kids. even my friends from college are finding jobs in their fields or going to grad school. i feel like i'm falling behind the curve. like i'm somehow below average because i haven't quite figured out my life.

i shouldn't compare myself to others. sometimes i just can't help it.

and then i have to remember, the things those people want are not the same as me. i don't want to get married. i'm not sure about kids. i want to travel without worrying. i might want a house- but i want a small house and i want it to be built for me. i'm not sure if i want to live in the city and enjoy all it has to offer or if i want to move out into the country and enjoy the peace while i garden, sit on a swing, or lay in the grass. i'm not sure if i want to open a catering business or become a social worker or just work some crappy job that allows me to pay my bills and get me to places i want to go.

i have to remember not to compare myself. not to my friends. and not my mother. she never wanted me to be like her. she wants me to be better. happy.

just some thoughts&stuff.

i'm taking a sociology class this semester. it's u-paced, which means i can go at my own pace. the only deadline is may 16th, which is the last day of the semester. all the quizzes must be completed by that date. i got a letter in the mail in march from the sociology department/my professor saying that because i haven't started any of the quizzes, that i should meet with my TA to establish a plan for completing everything on time. it's a 100 level class. hell, it's an intro to sociology class! i took soc classes in oshkosh. i don't need a week to learn two chapters. i started two days ago. so far, so good. two days ago, if i completed one quiz each day, i would finish ON the 16th. tonight i hammered out two quizzes, so i've given myself an extra day or two in case one chapter is particularly hard or i decide i'd rather nap than read about sociology. you have to do at least 14 quizzes to get a D- and each quiz you do after that bumps your grade up by a half (plus, minus, solid). there's 24 quizzes total and i think i can totally get at least a B by the end of the semester, if not an A if i stick to my one quiz a day schedule.

i've been thinking a lot about doing my own catering business. i spent a good hour looking at food truck images on pinterest and books on amazon. i sent an email to danny's friend/my new friend/my work's health inspector to see if she could get me some information on how catering works, food trucks, etc. two things can happen once i see these documents and requirements: i'll either cry and give up or it'll seem doable once i have the money to start everything up. the mayor of west allis said he would help me find a loan to start a bakery in west allis, which would be super awesome. but we'll see.

have i mentioned i'm going to switch to social work? holly tried to convince me not to do it. i'm not doing very well in anatomy&physiology. i could retake it over the summer... but i'm also going to be faced with chemistry, pharmacology, and other things that i KNOW are going to be so so sooo hard for me to understand, memorize, and do. so i'm going with social work. i'm still feeling my way around to see what area i'd like to slip into.

i also applied for a job at the west allis health department for a WIC clerk. i really hope i get the job! the application end date is this coming monday. i should hear in maybe three-four weeks if i'm qualified and be invited in for an interview and all the testing they do. fingers crossed. for $15+ an hour, i'll even put my school plans on hold!

anyway, i should crawl into bed. i have to be at work in less than six hours, which means less than five hours of sleep!

if someone was to purpose to me...

i was engaged once. i was in college. my boyfriend and i had been dating for nine months- six of those months he had been away at boot camp and tech school for the air force. he was home for my birthday and christmas. the day after christmas we were watching a movie in my apartment and i started to cry because i didn't want him to leave again. he sat on the floor while i laid on the couch. he turned around and asked if i would marry him. i said yes. four months later i got my ring (which i still have). we ended up calling it off and parted ways.

been i've been thinking. if i were to ever get engaged again, i would like something like the following to happen:

i want my significant other to lend me a copy of their favorite love story (or has a small plot where two people are devoted to each other or someone devotes themselves to something). and i hope i like the book. i want them to get another copy after i give them back their copy. i want them to cut a hole in the middle of the book and put a ring in there and give me the book. i think that would be sweet. so sweet.

but if i do ever find someone who fits well with me, i'm sure they'll have their own way to ask, if they do. and i'll take it because i'll obviously fit with them and want to be with them too.

unsettling uncertainties and unknowns.

i am so sad inside.

yesterday, my co-workers and i received the news that our boss was going to close the shop. the last day our retail counter will be open is may 31. someone else will be renting the kitchen after that date, but they are allowing us to use the kitchen to do the weddings we have booked until the end of august. my boss had to email her brides she had booked for september and october saying that we are closing, but offered the name of someone else who would be able to fulfill the wedding day deserts. with that, the counter girls are out of a job as of may 31. i still have a job thursday-saturday until the end of august. if i heard correctly, my boss is going to pay me roughly what my paychecks are now, even though i will be working less hours because i'm "worth it" according to her and her sister (my other boss).

while one of my co-workers and myself have complained about our jobs and have considered looking for new ones, we definitely didn't like this happened the way it did. the unknown scares us.

and with that, i will be submitting my 60 day notice to my apartment manager. i've already talked to my mom about moving home and she's okay with that. she's going to let me "live" in most of the space on the second floor in her house once i clean out my old room and she reorganizes things. i'm fairly certain she'll pay for movers to move my things out of my 4th floor studio, but i'll probably have to pay for a storage unit. ideally i won't be living at home for more than, oh, six months. but the unknown of how much money i'll actually be bringing in mixed with finding a job that is flexible with my school schedule... who knows.

i'm deeply saddened that everything is going to be gone soon. my heart is a little broken. my mom is giving me just enough pity to make me feel like my feelings are valid, but not enough to make me feel like i'm a victim (which is a good thing). danny, however, hasn't really given much thought into how i am feeling about leaving MCC and the uncertainties that are soon to follow. i'm considering doing some side business catering once my run at MCC is over. i asked danny what he though and all he had to say was that i would be overwhelmed. my mom came the suggestion from a more practical angle, questioning where i would do this, how, the money, etc.

i should have known something crappy was going to happen. i started making plans for a vacation this summer because we were supposed to be closed july 3-7th. i wanted to get some tattoos that i've been wanting for years. i even started to make a dent in my credit card debt. poof. all gone. i can't even justify getting my small tattoo because that's at least $80 i could have saved. being an adult sucks.

i guess we'll see what happens though. for now, i'll just keep on truckin' with school and what is left of my job before it becomes super duper part time.

can't stick with it.

i graduated from oshkosh in 2010. i was 23. i went back to school in milwaukee when i was 25. it started with art history. then special education. then nursing.

and now? nursing isn't working out so well. the more classes i attend, the dumber i feel. the more irritated i get with science classes and how the professor don't actually teach. you'd think by now i would have some sort of conviction to pick a major and stick with it.

but no. now my mind is wandering to social work. or art education. or jewelry&metalsmithing. i just don't know. what i do know is that i want to be happy. i want to use my hands. i want to contribute to society in a good way. i want to spill compassion everywhere.

i also want to run away.

my job satisfies me for only a few minutes every day... sometimes more if i get to work on a project creating a new whatever or making something we usually don't sell. i like using my hands. most days it doesn't bother me that i need to soak and massage my hands for a good ten minutes in the morning before they are a functional part of my body. i need more. and i need to use my hands.

i'm certain i obtained that quality from my grandpa. he was always working with his hands, always building or fixing or breaking-on-purpose-to-make-it-better fixing things. he respected anyone who used their hands for a living. he passed away in 2010, but i can still remember how rough and chapped his hands were. how scarred and cut up they were. and how it was okay because he was happy making things or fixing things. he was great and i just want him to be proud of me.

anyway. i really don't know what to do about school. i'm really just fed up with a&p and math. i hate both and nothing is clicking. maybe i need to take a semester off or, at the very least, avoid summer classes.

this isn't going to work, is it?

i haven't spoken to danny in a week. last friday we got dinner together. this whole trying to be friends thing just ins't going well. in terms of ex's, i'd say i'm still friends with most of mine. danny is not. trying to create a friendship is really tough for him. he'll say and do things that are mean or he forgets that we're not together. part of this is my fault for not creating clear boundaries; i do tend to blur the lines a little to make adjusting to a friendship a little easier for myself. it's selfish, but it helps me. anyway. he touched my stomach and i told him to stop and he built up his wall and shut down on me. when we were leaving he kissed me and said he still wanted me.

i'm over that relationship. neither one of us were happy and it was becoming toxic and draining. i didn't respond to him, i walked to my car, and started to drive home. he called me while i was driving and wanted to talk, but i heard it as he wanted to start a fight. telling me what i want and how i feel is one sure fire way to lose me. i think that solidified it, the end. if you can't be nice, we can't be friends. he texted me maybe half an hour or an hour later saying it felt later than it was and the following day he sent me another text saying that his grandmas were talking about me. i never responded.

i'm not going to call. i'm done with the back and forth. i know it's difficult for him and this is the only way i know how to make it easier... to just back away and let him be. i know he's internally pissy that i haven't called and he's probably assuming that i don't care. i'm not into this game. when i see holly at school, we chat about him and her ex. i don't know... it sucks because you spend so much time with someone and then it ends and you can't be friends? it seems like such a waste to me.

like i said, we weren't happy. i think we both liked the person we thought the other was. i like the idea of the danny who said he wanted to do the peace corps and seemed like he genuinely liked my niece, who seemed comfortable in his own skin and to be on his own... not the danny he really is. and i'm sure he likes the idea of the lizzie who is affectionate and always around. and that's not really who i am. you can't love the idea of someone and expect it to work. and you can't expect that person to fit the mold you created for them; that is unfair. and to expect things to stay the same, for things to be exactly the way they were when you first met or the same as this time last year or whatever... that's unrealistic. if my life was exactly the same as it was last year, i would be so miserable to repeating the past, not growing at all. we deserve to be happy. danny deserves to be happy. i deserve to be happy. and for whatever reasons, we can't make each other happy.

and that's that. i'm foregoing a party tomorrow night because i know danny will be there. instead i'm going to sit at home and eat chips&guac while studying. or pinteresting. or watching netflix. and that's quite alright with me.

switching.

i'm still really struggling with school. i'm contemplating dropping the remaining classes i have and just cutting my losses for the semester. i've thought about switching to social work. it might be more practical for me- requires less math and science classes. it still falls into my interests. i wanted to do nursing because i wanted to work at an abortion clinic and planned parenthood. i can still help women and children via social work. i still need to look into UWM's social work requirements.

my other option is the peace corps, which i have been talking about for almost a decade. it's harder now because i have my cats... and then there's ava and liam. i'm just not sure i could leave them when they're so small and miss out on those memories... advice would be great.

other than that, not a whole lot has been happening. my coworker's last day was yesterday. danny and i are trying to make a friendship work and it just doesn't seem to be happening. i always have homework to do. same ol' same ol'.

swamped.

i feel like i am getting pummeled by school. i dropped my biology of women class, but i'm still enrolled in sociology, math, and a&p. i'm constantly doing homework or meeting a due date. so tired.

my coworker came to work three hours late and hammered on saturday. i contacted my boss, she showed up at work, and sent him home. they talked on monday and my coworker decided to give his two weeks. he thinks that working in the bakery is what is causing him to be such an alcoholic. truth is, he has always been an alcoholic since he started the job three years ago. it is just getting worse because his disease is progressing. i'm bummed that he's leaving, disappointed at his lack of insight, but mostly i'm annoyed that he keeps showing up to work roughly an hour late everyday.

well. i just thought i'd pop in. i'm pretty tired. the cats kept me up last night and this morning so i'm probably going to snuggle into my blankets with a natgeo magazine and fall asleep.

on success.

my group didn't actually have any questions completed on friday for our a&p case study. it took us about four and a half hours to answer nine questions. SO glad that is over. we have three more case studies throughout the rest of the semester. we vowed to not wait two days before it is due to start the next one.

last night i actually went to bed a little before midnight. i woke up and i felt "eh." i wasn't tired. i wasn't full of energy. just, you know, eh. i worked for ten hours, which didn't feel like ten hours.

on my drive home, my car started to overheat. in a panic, i called my mom. she said she'd come down to my apartment tomorrow with antifreeze to see if that'll do the trick.

i basically started my day with a feeling of defeat. i'm ending it the same. i ordered too much chinese food, i'm getting frustrated with homework, my cats are being loud and running around frantically, and both neighbors have their tvs on loud enough to irritate me through the walls.

my apartment is a mess. any suggestions on how to tackle large messes? i mean, i'm to the point where i might just throw everything away. i'm definitely reaching that point with my kitchen. because my kitchen sink has been messed up since october and they haven't fixed it, i end up washing dishes in my bathtub. because of that, i let the dishes pile up. so i'm contemplating just throwing away everything and buying new pots and pans, dishes, and flatware. so, like i said, suggestions? and spare the "one room at a time" thing. this is a studio. it's all one room and every part of it flows into the next.

maybe tomorrow will be better. or, at the very least, more motivating.

a&p requires too much time.

i have a case study do for my a&p class today.

last night i met holly at the library and we hammered through the three gateway quizzes we had to take in order to get more information. we still have to write a paper. she and i will be meeting later today with another person to collectively pool and write our paper.

i left the library a little after 10pm last night. i spent an hour trying to relax and not stress out. it didn't work. around midnight i must have fallen asleep... with all my lights on, backpack and laptop right next to me. i woke up a little after 4am. it's 545am right now. i have one question out of nine done because i just can't focus. i am so tired.

there is so much work to be done this weekend. i just want to sleep all weekend. a 200 level class should not be this hard and should not consume this much of someone's time.

i have to get ready and leave for work within the next hour. i big ol' apology to my group for not getting more than half the questions done.

why must it be so hard to go to school and work at the same time?!

when it's quite.

i'm currently at my mom's house. i have studying to do and some quizzes to take. in the past, my apartment building neighbor has cheered during football games to the point where it sounded like he was almost in my studio. and today is the super bowl. so, i decided to come to my mom's.

this is my view right now:

i came here for quiet. when i first hiked up the steps to the second floor of my mom's house, she didn't quite understand that i had come for silence. i heard her bustling around the kitchen, making much more noise than i'm accustomed to outside of work. i shut the door that connects the kitchen to the upstairs hallway steps. she asked what i was doing; i responded with "too loud." i think she understood. she quickly finished whatever it was she was doing and has been napping in her chair ever since.

i sit in the quiet often. i hear the way the radiators whistle and sizzle in my apartment, the occasional car move through the street. i can almost always pinpoint what exactly my cats are doing to create the noise they're making. and i can hear myself think. it isn't until i realize that i've been sitting in silence for five hours that it becomes strange to me. who sits alone, quietly, for that long? i do.

i don't think i really ever sat quietly when i was in oshkosh. the second i came home from class or work, i would turn on my music. i slept with music on. i had to have my iPod with me on the way to and from class. when i started working at MCC and moved in with my old boyfriend mark and his friend blake, that's when i started to get quiet. but i think i solidified my enjoyment for the lulling sounds of buildings settling, quiet people living quiet lives, and my own thoughts when i moved into my studio.

and it's nice.

oh hell.

my classes are just dropping like flies. tonight i decided it would be best if i dropped my nursing research class. "why would you do that," you may ask. i'll tell ya! it involves a ton of reading. i'm already highly devoted to passing my math class (i received another email saying how i failed the first quiz... which i didn't even know was a quiz, so that's great). i have to take a&p in order to take other nursing classes, plus holly is in my lab and lecture, which means i have a built-in study buddy to brave this academic shitshow with. those two classes along are consuming my evenings. i have a sociology class that is "u-paced," meaning i can do it when i want, but i haven't been able to start it yet. i just got my textbook in the mail last night. and while my biology of women class isn't needed for nursing, i just really wanted to take it. you need at least one fun class to keep you going, right?

i'm constantly tired. even when i'm sleeping i'm still exhausted. i've been staying up past midnight since classes began. i wake up at 630 every morning to go to work. we're looking at less than 6 hours of sleep each night. i really wanted to power-through this degree and get out into the real world, but i just can't. maybe if i didn't have bills and rent, or a full-time job, i could manage. but i'm not 21 anymore. i can't devote my entire existence to college, studying, and having fun like i did then... but i have thought about it. giving my 60 day notice to my leasing company and moving back home, quitting my job (which is another thing!), taking out more student loans, and just devote myself to school for the next two years. surely i could finish in two years if i didn't have to worry about working. 

AND WORK. fuck that place. i'm so annoyed with everything there. my bosses have been trying to save money (my main boss more than the other), so we're getting these janky products to replace our food service provider products. example: powdered sugar. my boss bought 200 pounds of powdered sugar from the depot. i made five butter creams with said powdered sugar (not all 200 pounds). i didn't taste the butter creams until i made the last one and licked some frosting off my arm after i put it away. it tasted GRITTY. i tried to fix it yesterday with some suggestions my boss made. it didn't work. today i was trying to go half and half with the old powsug and the new powsug, still awful. even using 4 pounds in a 12 pound batch of something tastes bad. so the quality is shitty and so is our product. AND my other boss was getting on my ass today about how i decorate. her decorating is awful and everyone knows it, but is afraid to tell her. oh. and a coworker is pregnant, but it's a little annoying right now with all her huffing, puffing, sighs, and "i'm so useless" comments. yeah, you are. so fucking do something and work for your paycheck like the rest of us. i'm also annoyed that i haven't gotten a raise in over six months. i'm quickly approaching my three year anniversary at MCC and my one year anniversary of working alone. i deserve a raise.

enough bitching. it's past midnight and i still need to get myself ready for bed. sweet dreams are made of grand ideas. 

on math. and how i hate it.

oh man. in true lizzie school fashion, i enrolled in more classes than i can handle. i've dropped health care policy and health care documentation. i still have five classes and i'm still full time. someone help me!

i've never been very successful at math. i remember being in 1st or 2nd grade and crying in class because i couldn't understand whatever concept we were learning (it was probably 1st grade, and it was probably subtraction). i've always known that math was a bitch for me. i'm taking a math class now. i took a pre-assessment. out of 100 things i should have known, i knew 33. my professor emailed me and said that math 95 might be too advanced for me, as i'm struggling with concepts and much more behind than my classmates. she also noted that i will have to spend more time studying and working on problems than suggested in the syllabus, that she will be contacting me every week, and that i should meet with a tutor.

i've spent ALL weekend working on math. if i wasn't eating or sleeping, i was most likely doing math problems. danny has been helping me. since saturday night i've gone from 33/100 to 99/100 (currently waiting for danny to help me with the very last section). i have to take another pre-assessment tonight before midnight. and i'm not allowed to use a calculator. might i add my multiplication is a little awful, as well.

but i'll be damned if i don't prove that i can catch up. part of me feels like i'm only this far behind because i haven't had a real math class in over five years. the last time i took "real" math was when i was a sophomore in college. that would have been 2007.

anyway. i'm going to do as well as i can. i'll be happy with a B-. i'll be a little upset with a C+. i'll be devastated with anything below a C.

draining finances and overwhelming panics.

my spring semester started yesterday. i dragged danny along with me to get my books. i ended up buying just two and it cost me close to $400. i tried to register my online code for my math class and the website told me that my instructor's page doesn't accept the code sequence i have. ughhh. i emailed her and she sent me a temporary code so i don't fall behind, but i will be extremely upset if i spent $100 on a code i cannot use and cannot return.

in the spirit of draining my bank account some more, today i went to the bank to get my rent check (see ya, $600!). i also did some price checking and it is cheaper to rent two of my books, so i also put in an order for that (another $130). i'll have to stop by the bookstore tomorrow to purchase the last two books i need. i would rent them, but it's questionable if i need the online access codes and i'd rather just be safe than sorry.

i went to my first anatomy and physiology class. my friend holly is in the class, so she saved me a seat. our professor seems eccentric in a good way. i do not like feeling rushed when i leave work. i get worried that i won't find a parking spot within four blocks of campus and make it to class on time. today i was also worrying about where the building was located. but everything worked out. i was able to leave work on time, i found a spot three blocks away, i found holly in our ginormous lecture pit, and i was able to get back to work by 130.

i spent tonight feeling tremendously overwhelmed though. i registered for my math class and did the assessment. i also did the first (and stupid) assignment for my biology of women class (a D2L scavenger hunt). and everything else is causing me to just scream and cry on the inside while keeping a perpetual "what have i done" look on my face.

with seven classes to try to keep straight, i think i might need to invest in a giant white board to keep my assignments all straight. or, you know, i could just learn how to use "the cloud" and put everything in my ical on my laptop or iPad.

it's almost 10pm. my apartment is nice and warm. i've had my oven on for about three hours trying to help heat up my apartment. but i have realized that i forgot to do laundry. it's too late now. i'll just have to wear real jeans tomorrow instead of leggings... maybe.

on school and the weekend trip to chicago.

my winterim class is officially over. all of my assignment grades have been posted except my final grade. i can do the math though and i earned myself an A-. i'll take that.

spring semester starts tomorrow. i paid my tuition earlier this evening (why must it cost so much?!). i don't have any classes on campus tomorrow, but i do have a few online classes that i should get cracking' at right away. i'm taking 7 classes for 15 credits. one class does not count for any credits (it's an extremely low math level course). i'll be on campus essentially all day on mondays. my schedule is as follows:

• health care systems, mondays, 8-10am.
• anatomy&physiology lectures, mondays/wednesdays/fridays, 12-1pm.
• anatomy&physiology lab, mondays, 2-5pm.
• nursing research, thursdays, 5-7pm.
• biology of women, online.
• health documentation, online.
• essentials of algebra, online.
• sociology, online.

tomorrow i need to head to campus after work to buy all my textbooks (why must those cost so much as well?!).

and as for chicago... it was nice. i wasn't able to leave work early, so danny and i left milwaukee later than we had hoped to. we got caught in the crappy weather of snow/rain mix on the way down. we checked into our hotel, dropped our bags, and caught the el to the chicago diner. we had to wait about 20 minutes, but the food was worth it as always. the kale and white bean soup was amazing. after that we decided to head back to the hotel. we strolled in a little before midnight and stayed up for a few hours just watching tv.

in the morning, we woke up to this:

we got ready for the day and walked down the street to yolk. the food was good and the waiter was eyeing danny up. we decided to stay an extra day after breakfast, so we went back to the hotel to reserve the room for another night. our 11th floor room wasn't available, but a 6th floor room was. we took it without thinking about the noise... ugh. the noise. 

we went to the shedd afterwards. danny has never ever been there. at first he thought that maybe he has, but once we walked in nothing seemed to trigger his memory. we watched the beluga whales swim for a while (i love them) and the sea otters (danny couldn't pull himself away). it was crowded and children are annoying.

we went down to michigan avenue after to walk around. i forgot what we were looking for at first. we found a spot tucked away and headed towards the action. eventually we grew tired of all the bustle, so we went to giordano's for some deep dish. because you have to wait so long for the pizza to cook (45 minutes) i wasn't very hungry by the time we got it. when we left, we went back to the hotel room and i crawled into bed immediately. danny wasn't very thrilled that i was exhausted by 730 because he was still full of energy. we just watched some tv and eventually fell asleep around 1030 or 11. all night you could hear the busses' engines and cars honking. ugh. and then the room got too hot for danny to sleep. he was complaining and tossing so much that i told him to just open the window. after that, he slept pretty well. i, on the other hand, kept waking up to pull the blankets up and over me. 

we woke up this morning and walked around the corner to get a donut and coffee for breakfast. we walked around for ten minutes after deciding what we were going to do for the rest of the day. neither of us seemed too enthusiastic about the cloudy day. we went back to our room, both sort of cranky and fussy, gathered our stuff, and checked out. we were going to look for a record store, but couldn't find any parking so we gave up and went back to michigan avenue to get some popcorn for danny's mom. we went to crate and barrel and walked around for a bit and then headed over to clark street. there were two record stores on clark that i found on google. plus molly's cupcakes is over there. our first stop was dave's records. we weren't there long. maybe 15 minutes. danny couldn't find anything he wanted to spend money on, but i walked in there knowing exactly what bands i was looking for. i left with a copy of braid's "movie music vol. 1" and ryan adam's "gold." we went to molly's next. i promised a coworker that i would get her a cupcake. i got her a peach cobbler and a blueberry cheesecake. i bought myself three of their chocolate peanut butter ones and one eclair cupcake. we put my new treasures in the car and walked up the street to the second record shop. i can't remember the name of it, but it only really had house music. we walked out in less than five minutes. on our walk back to the car we decided to just go back to milwaukee, beat the traffic.

i was a little bummed we didn't get to go to the science and industry museum, but at the same time we had already spent so much money on parking in the city and it was already noon when we finally got a move on. it just didn't make sense to spend however much money for only a couple of hours.

i didn't feel well on the way home, so i was grouchy. i was also tired. i was sort of dozing off and then we passed the last toll, stopped at the lake park oasis, and then we were at the mars cheese castle. we stopped there as well and i bought a turtle kringle to split with my mom and a 7up for my stomach. i slept most of the way back home. we dropped off some popcorn at danny's mom's house and headed back to the east side. he dropped me off and i've been laying in bed basically ever since 6pm. the cats are happy that i'm home; they haven't left my side since i walked in the door.

(as a side note: marla and jasper are really good at not scarfing down their food. i'm able to leave a bowl of food out for them and it lasts two days. their water is the same (mostly. winter is sometimes sketchy with the dry air and all). i'm really glad they're able to control themselves otherwise i'd never be able to leave for two days without having someone check in on them. i gave them treats when i came home too.)

it was a good weekend, mostly. i'm glad i was able to go down to chicago before my spring semester starts and takes over my life. tomorrow i'll be frantic trying to get everything in order for my classes and irritated that i have to stand in line with a bunch of books totaling close to $1000. plus i need to swing by my bank to cash my paycheck and get a cashier's check for my rent. i hope i can leave work early.

anyway, off to bed! 

on winterim and chicago daycation.

my winterim class is almost over. almost. all of the exams and quizzes are done online and each component opens at a certain time. tonight is my last exam and i'm ready to take it. except it doesn't open up for another 35 minutes. this class was supposed to be 12 days long for three hours each day. magically we had two freezing-no-class-days and have gotten out of class early for the past few nights. i am starting to think that all college classes should be offered this way (well, maybe do it in three weeks and skip the fridays). can you imagine how much more quickly you would be able to get out of school? i will always take winter and summer classes. 

danny and i are heading down to chicago tomorrow once i am done with work. we're staying at the congress plaza. we've stayed their before when we headed down there for my old co-worker's wedding, but i had no idea that it was HAUNTED back then. i'm so excited. danny is already making fun of me, saying that i'm going to be walking around with a flashlight to find all the ghosts (seriously. i'll have a headlamp. you have to keep your hands free!). in all reality, we'll probably check in at 6, drop our bags, and scurry off to the el. i've got a date with a milkshake at the chicago diner. i'm also demanding cupcakes from molly's. we probably won't make our way back to our room until midnight and i'll want to get up early so we can eat at yolk right down the street (red velvet french toast, anyone?). danny thinks we'll have time to see the science&industry museum AND the shedd aquarium. i'm not an idiot. both of those places deserve a full day dedicated to each. i think i'd rather spend my day at the shedd though. science and industry is cool and all, but i've been there a few times and nothing really changes. the shedd though? fish move and that's good enough for me. 

anyway. marla is demanding attention from me. who am i to deny her sweet kitty cuddles?

on moving and living.

when i moved into my studio, my rent was $525 and included everything except for a parking spot and cable/internet. i paid $55 to the city for night parking. i pay $25ish a month for internet. in september my rent increased to $599. that's quite the hike.

with my employment status always seeming questionable based on my boss' attitude with the amount of time i spend working, sometimes i worry.

a while ago my brother talked about moving to milwaukee with his family from madison. currently he works down here, but jess and the kids are up there. it's been really rough on him. they were worried that they wouldn't be able to afford a place here while trying to sell their house in madison. i offered to move in with them to help take care of ava and liam and pay rent if they found a three or four bedroom place. recently, they have decided to stay in madison until summer. then they will reassess. so that plan fell through.

ava+liam a couple of days ago.

recently my mom offered the idea of moving back home with her. the thing about that is that i'm 27. do i really want to move back home now?

the pros:

• no rent. no internet bill. saving money. 
• washer and dryer whenever i want for free.
• saving money for possible trips to far away lands.
• if i am let go from my job, it's not nearly as awful.
• nea and i would be reunited. 

the cons:

• i'm 27.
• i work and go to school downtown... so i'll have to buy a new car sooner.
• rush hour in the morning and evening. longer commutes. 
• i'd be living with someone again. this time it's my mom and she'll still question me on where i'm going and when i'll be home.
• yard work. snow removal.
• having to put my furniture and other things into storage. (how much does that cost a month?!)
• my mom is allergic to cats. so having three cats in the house would just be awful for her unless i found a way to keep the kittens on the second floor. 
• west allis has no awesome bike trails. 

i just don't know. it'd be super awesome to have an extra $600 a month to pay off my debt and student loans, to save for possible trips (if i ever get the time away to do so), to not have to worry about paying rent. but do i want to exchange that for my downtown studio and ability to come and go as i please?

my other option is to stick it out here until i find a suitable and affordable one-bedroom apartment (you never realize how much you miss having a real bedroom until you don't anymore. doors!). i'm not really down with having roommates again. john and sam were, without a doubt, the best roommates i've ever had. mark and blake were quite possibly the worst (and more recent). danny mentioned renting a two bedroom apartment, but given our state of confusion i'm not sure i realllllyyy want to commit to a year long lease with him.

if you are reading this, advise me. i'm so lost and torn.

on work and school.

i wanted to post a picture for you guys (the ones that don't exist yet), but nothing seems to spark my interest.

my apartment is 80 degrees by way of my space heater. i'm enjoying the warmth and my cats seem to be okay with it as well. it's so welcoming to be wrapped in warmth the minute i walk through my doorway. work is cold. outside is cold. class is cold. apartment is warm. cozy.

i'm irritated with my job situation right now. it's january and we're really slow. when it's really slow all of our hours get cut. but here's the thing: i am the ONLY baker my job has. one boss runs the counter and does all the emailing and crap like that. my other boss comes in early to bake the cupcakes every day and gets the cupcakes ready to be baked the next day. what do i do? i come in and decorate all the cupcakes, make batters and butter creams, make or cut the garnishes, replenish the cupcakes throughout the day. i used to have two co-workers in the kitchen with me. one was let go at the start of 2013. the other left in february of 2013. i've essentially been doing the work of three people for almost a whole year. can you believe that? so it's frustrating because there is no one else and i can't really leave at 2pm because the counter will most likely need something at 3. here's another thing. the last time i took a day off was in september of 2012- i took a saturday off so i could fly to austin for the weekend.

on top of working full-time, i also go to school full-time. right now i'm in a condensed clinical nutrition class where we meet three hours a day for 12 days. my mind is spinning with facts. i actually have two quizzes to do online tonight before 1130. aside from this short class, i try to schedule my classes for evenings, mondays, or online. the bakery is closed on mondays which is really nice. it's hard to schedule classes around work though. i do the best i can, but that means i can't take really awesome classes like sexually transmitted diseases because they're offered twice a week mid-morning. i can only take the classes essential to my degree. and maybe you're thinking that there's no need to take silly classes on STDs if they aren't essential... but i'll let you in on a secret... i want to work in an abortion clinic! or at least for planned parenthood. so STD classes would be completely relevant to the line of work i'd ideally love to do. but yes. school. i wish i would have had my mind straight the first time i went to college instead of wasting five years getting a degree i can't use (environmental studies). live and learn. support your kids no matter what, though.

anyway. i'm off to make some toast and dive into those quizzes! keep warm. :)

hello.

hi there.

i'm lizzie. i'm on my way to make some changes in my life. here's the basics of who i am and what makes up me right now, today.

• i'm 27 years old. i'm not really big on birthdays and mine is not much fun because it's usually pretty cold out. (12.23.86)
• i was born in west allis, wisconsin. i currently live in downtown milwaukee, which is only about ten miles away from west allis.
• my favorite color is yellow. my favorite number is 3.  
• i graduated from the university of wisconsin- oshkosh in 2010 with a degree in environmental studies and social justice. 
• i'm back in school at the university of wisconsin- milwaukee for a second degree in nursing. ideally, i would like to deal with "family planning" services. 
• i live in a 400 square foot studio with two cats- marla and jasper. the space is small and they are sassy!
• i have a third cat, but she lives at my mom's house. her name is nea. she's a grumpy old lady.
• i work at a cupcake bakery in milwaukee as their head baker and decorator.
• i'm currently looking for a new place to live and a new job. 
• my favorite books are: the giver, the bell jar, and lord of the flies. 
• i have a niece (ava, 7 years) and a nephew (liam, 8 weeks). i adore them both. 

and that's the gist. i'm a grumpy, grouchy, sassy, homebody kinda girl. sometimes i ride my bike or walk down by the lake. i like good food. i hate wearing socks and i like wearing moccasins. i enjoy naps and have many daydreams. i plan to share these things with you as well. 

xoxo