can't stick with it.

i graduated from oshkosh in 2010. i was 23. i went back to school in milwaukee when i was 25. it started with art history. then special education. then nursing.

and now? nursing isn't working out so well. the more classes i attend, the dumber i feel. the more irritated i get with science classes and how the professor don't actually teach. you'd think by now i would have some sort of conviction to pick a major and stick with it.

but no. now my mind is wandering to social work. or art education. or jewelry&metalsmithing. i just don't know. what i do know is that i want to be happy. i want to use my hands. i want to contribute to society in a good way. i want to spill compassion everywhere.

i also want to run away.

my job satisfies me for only a few minutes every day... sometimes more if i get to work on a project creating a new whatever or making something we usually don't sell. i like using my hands. most days it doesn't bother me that i need to soak and massage my hands for a good ten minutes in the morning before they are a functional part of my body. i need more. and i need to use my hands.

i'm certain i obtained that quality from my grandpa. he was always working with his hands, always building or fixing or breaking-on-purpose-to-make-it-better fixing things. he respected anyone who used their hands for a living. he passed away in 2010, but i can still remember how rough and chapped his hands were. how scarred and cut up they were. and how it was okay because he was happy making things or fixing things. he was great and i just want him to be proud of me.

anyway. i really don't know what to do about school. i'm really just fed up with a&p and math. i hate both and nothing is clicking. maybe i need to take a semester off or, at the very least, avoid summer classes.

this isn't going to work, is it?

i haven't spoken to danny in a week. last friday we got dinner together. this whole trying to be friends thing just ins't going well. in terms of ex's, i'd say i'm still friends with most of mine. danny is not. trying to create a friendship is really tough for him. he'll say and do things that are mean or he forgets that we're not together. part of this is my fault for not creating clear boundaries; i do tend to blur the lines a little to make adjusting to a friendship a little easier for myself. it's selfish, but it helps me. anyway. he touched my stomach and i told him to stop and he built up his wall and shut down on me. when we were leaving he kissed me and said he still wanted me.

i'm over that relationship. neither one of us were happy and it was becoming toxic and draining. i didn't respond to him, i walked to my car, and started to drive home. he called me while i was driving and wanted to talk, but i heard it as he wanted to start a fight. telling me what i want and how i feel is one sure fire way to lose me. i think that solidified it, the end. if you can't be nice, we can't be friends. he texted me maybe half an hour or an hour later saying it felt later than it was and the following day he sent me another text saying that his grandmas were talking about me. i never responded.

i'm not going to call. i'm done with the back and forth. i know it's difficult for him and this is the only way i know how to make it easier... to just back away and let him be. i know he's internally pissy that i haven't called and he's probably assuming that i don't care. i'm not into this game. when i see holly at school, we chat about him and her ex. i don't know... it sucks because you spend so much time with someone and then it ends and you can't be friends? it seems like such a waste to me.

like i said, we weren't happy. i think we both liked the person we thought the other was. i like the idea of the danny who said he wanted to do the peace corps and seemed like he genuinely liked my niece, who seemed comfortable in his own skin and to be on his own... not the danny he really is. and i'm sure he likes the idea of the lizzie who is affectionate and always around. and that's not really who i am. you can't love the idea of someone and expect it to work. and you can't expect that person to fit the mold you created for them; that is unfair. and to expect things to stay the same, for things to be exactly the way they were when you first met or the same as this time last year or whatever... that's unrealistic. if my life was exactly the same as it was last year, i would be so miserable to repeating the past, not growing at all. we deserve to be happy. danny deserves to be happy. i deserve to be happy. and for whatever reasons, we can't make each other happy.

and that's that. i'm foregoing a party tomorrow night because i know danny will be there. instead i'm going to sit at home and eat chips&guac while studying. or pinteresting. or watching netflix. and that's quite alright with me.

switching.

i'm still really struggling with school. i'm contemplating dropping the remaining classes i have and just cutting my losses for the semester. i've thought about switching to social work. it might be more practical for me- requires less math and science classes. it still falls into my interests. i wanted to do nursing because i wanted to work at an abortion clinic and planned parenthood. i can still help women and children via social work. i still need to look into UWM's social work requirements.

my other option is the peace corps, which i have been talking about for almost a decade. it's harder now because i have my cats... and then there's ava and liam. i'm just not sure i could leave them when they're so small and miss out on those memories... advice would be great.

other than that, not a whole lot has been happening. my coworker's last day was yesterday. danny and i are trying to make a friendship work and it just doesn't seem to be happening. i always have homework to do. same ol' same ol'.

swamped.

i feel like i am getting pummeled by school. i dropped my biology of women class, but i'm still enrolled in sociology, math, and a&p. i'm constantly doing homework or meeting a due date. so tired.

my coworker came to work three hours late and hammered on saturday. i contacted my boss, she showed up at work, and sent him home. they talked on monday and my coworker decided to give his two weeks. he thinks that working in the bakery is what is causing him to be such an alcoholic. truth is, he has always been an alcoholic since he started the job three years ago. it is just getting worse because his disease is progressing. i'm bummed that he's leaving, disappointed at his lack of insight, but mostly i'm annoyed that he keeps showing up to work roughly an hour late everyday.

well. i just thought i'd pop in. i'm pretty tired. the cats kept me up last night and this morning so i'm probably going to snuggle into my blankets with a natgeo magazine and fall asleep.

on success.

my group didn't actually have any questions completed on friday for our a&p case study. it took us about four and a half hours to answer nine questions. SO glad that is over. we have three more case studies throughout the rest of the semester. we vowed to not wait two days before it is due to start the next one.

last night i actually went to bed a little before midnight. i woke up and i felt "eh." i wasn't tired. i wasn't full of energy. just, you know, eh. i worked for ten hours, which didn't feel like ten hours.

on my drive home, my car started to overheat. in a panic, i called my mom. she said she'd come down to my apartment tomorrow with antifreeze to see if that'll do the trick.

i basically started my day with a feeling of defeat. i'm ending it the same. i ordered too much chinese food, i'm getting frustrated with homework, my cats are being loud and running around frantically, and both neighbors have their tvs on loud enough to irritate me through the walls.

my apartment is a mess. any suggestions on how to tackle large messes? i mean, i'm to the point where i might just throw everything away. i'm definitely reaching that point with my kitchen. because my kitchen sink has been messed up since october and they haven't fixed it, i end up washing dishes in my bathtub. because of that, i let the dishes pile up. so i'm contemplating just throwing away everything and buying new pots and pans, dishes, and flatware. so, like i said, suggestions? and spare the "one room at a time" thing. this is a studio. it's all one room and every part of it flows into the next.

maybe tomorrow will be better. or, at the very least, more motivating.

a&p requires too much time.

i have a case study do for my a&p class today.

last night i met holly at the library and we hammered through the three gateway quizzes we had to take in order to get more information. we still have to write a paper. she and i will be meeting later today with another person to collectively pool and write our paper.

i left the library a little after 10pm last night. i spent an hour trying to relax and not stress out. it didn't work. around midnight i must have fallen asleep... with all my lights on, backpack and laptop right next to me. i woke up a little after 4am. it's 545am right now. i have one question out of nine done because i just can't focus. i am so tired.

there is so much work to be done this weekend. i just want to sleep all weekend. a 200 level class should not be this hard and should not consume this much of someone's time.

i have to get ready and leave for work within the next hour. i big ol' apology to my group for not getting more than half the questions done.

why must it be so hard to go to school and work at the same time?!

when it's quite.

i'm currently at my mom's house. i have studying to do and some quizzes to take. in the past, my apartment building neighbor has cheered during football games to the point where it sounded like he was almost in my studio. and today is the super bowl. so, i decided to come to my mom's.

this is my view right now:

i came here for quiet. when i first hiked up the steps to the second floor of my mom's house, she didn't quite understand that i had come for silence. i heard her bustling around the kitchen, making much more noise than i'm accustomed to outside of work. i shut the door that connects the kitchen to the upstairs hallway steps. she asked what i was doing; i responded with "too loud." i think she understood. she quickly finished whatever it was she was doing and has been napping in her chair ever since.

i sit in the quiet often. i hear the way the radiators whistle and sizzle in my apartment, the occasional car move through the street. i can almost always pinpoint what exactly my cats are doing to create the noise they're making. and i can hear myself think. it isn't until i realize that i've been sitting in silence for five hours that it becomes strange to me. who sits alone, quietly, for that long? i do.

i don't think i really ever sat quietly when i was in oshkosh. the second i came home from class or work, i would turn on my music. i slept with music on. i had to have my iPod with me on the way to and from class. when i started working at MCC and moved in with my old boyfriend mark and his friend blake, that's when i started to get quiet. but i think i solidified my enjoyment for the lulling sounds of buildings settling, quiet people living quiet lives, and my own thoughts when i moved into my studio.

and it's nice.