stressing.

i got an A in my social work class.
i bombed my math midterm.
a&p is super questionable.

danny and i got into it saturday night.
he said a multitude of hurtful things to me.
his number is blocked from my phone.
i deactivated my facebook for a few days.
(because i blocked him, unblocked him, and fb told me i had to wait 48 hours to reblock him.)

i'm starting to worry about money.
i only have two more paychecks left at MCC.
my bills are really getting to me.

i'm really stressing out.

quickie.

a few things...

i got an A in nursing research. hooray for me.
i never did buy that little red bike.

i have two weeks left of my social work class.
i'm doing pretty well in it. but i don't think i want to be a social worker.

my math class goes until mid-august.
i'm not sure why i thought it ended in three weeks, but i wish it did.

a&p2 starts on tuesday.

i've had a headache/migraine since last week sunday.
i should probably go to the doctor now.

i still haven't unpacked from moving.

and that's about it.

procrastination thought vomit.

i am 100% procrastinating.

i have a powerpoint presentation with voiceover due by noon on thursday for my nursing research class. i also have to find five articles for my desired topic and do an evidence table and some other stuff.  i haven't started any of it. i just don't want to.

so here i am. it's 10pm. at 830 i told myself i was going to start this. then suddenly it was 9. then 930. that's when i pulled out the information for this assignment and looked at it. i made a table in my microsoft word knock off... and then i decided i needed a break...?

so i've made a deal with myself. if i can get my five articles, the evidence table, the abstracts together, create my narrative, write my references in APA, and just start the powerpoint all before i decide to crash for the night, i am going to buy myself that beautiful red bike i saw over the weekend (as long as it's still there and is the correct size). so... that's the plan.

in other news, my mom and i purchased new cell phones. i dropped my phone about two months ago and it stopped fully charging. this past weekend it wouldn't charge past 20% and it would die almost immediately. we ended up getting iPhones- i used to have a samsung galaxy s2, my mom had a crazy basic pantech phone. the iPhone isn't bad. i don't know what makes it so awesome though. maybe i don't have the right apps yet.

spawning from my new phone joy, danny asked me how much my phone was. it was a little over $500. at&t has this thing were you can pay for it over time instead of upfront. i don't know if they got rid of the $200 buying the phone outright program; that wasn't even offered to my mom and i. my mom claims that her at&t buddy joel said they had gotten rid of the program, but the website wasn't updated? regardless, we had already signed our contracts and blah blah blah. danny kept going on about how we shouldn't have done that, saying how he was just trying to help me save money because he knows how i don't have a lot, etc etc. i just ended up getting pissed. first of all, he doesn't know how much money i have. it's true i don't make a lot of money. but i also have a stash of stupid visa credit card gift cards laying around. i'm also getting my security deposit back from my studio. so RIGHT THERE is the cost of my phone and then some. second, the contract was ALREADY SIGNED. it was done and over with. there was no point in continuing the conversation on something that had already been finalized. so i told him to stop talking about it. eventually it ended up being a fight where he told me i was "cold" and i tried to defend my position by logically saying that the contract was already signed and there was nothing else to discuss. he just kept repeating that i was cold and that i shouldn't contact him again because he just can't deal with my responses and if this is how i'm going to respond to someone just trying to help me then he doesn't want to talk to me. i didn't respond.

in fact, i deleted his number and his texts from my phone. i have a feeling he did the same. my number used to be listed on Facebook, so even if he did delete my number, he could always find it again without asking his siblings... until today when i removed it. his number is still on Facebook, but the likelihood that i'm going to seek out his number while i'm out and about is very unlikely.

i just can't deal with his on again off again friendship. he's too fucking sensitive. he can't take criticism. he can't see how he treats or speaks to people and how it sometimes comes off as rude and condescending. yes, i can be a bitch. yes, sometimes i just don't give a fuck or i don't have the patience to deal with someone who is acting childish. sometimes i, myself, act childish or silly. but to say that i'm cold? to say that i need to watch my tone? woah buddy, you better check yourself. i told myself that the next time he pulls this "we can't be friends" thing, it's over for me. friendship over. and i'm fairly certain this is it. and i feel almost okay with it... but part of me is like "eeehhhhh, maybe i'll just text him to see how it is. maybe i'll send him a picture of my cats. maybe he'll want to go for a bike ride this weekend."

but honestly, maybe it's better he steps out of my life. i can focus on school without having to make time for him. i can continue on with my double major without anyone questioning or suggesting or even stating that this is too much. hell, maybe i'll even lose all the weight i ended up gaining when i started to date him. i know i can be happy without him. i just think it's a shame to have spent almost two years with someone only to throw a friendship away since the relationship failed.

and that's another thing! he's constantly asking if i can see myself dating him again. and when things like this happen, no. no i cannot. and frankly i'm not sure i would want to date him again. i don't know if i'd want to marry him. i think that after all the fights and the take-backs, i'm just worn out. when i think about my future, i can see myself alone. i can see myself living out in the country in a little cottage with a small garden. i can see a sort of hazy child- could be biological, could be adopted, could even be ava or liam. who knows. but right now i don't see any partner. i don't see danny. i see myself and i look content with my life choices.

ANYWAY. homework.

no rent = happy savings account!

can i just say that not having to pay $600 in rent this month has been awesome? especially for my savings account. i hope the rest of summer is awesome like this, with very little expenses. my boss gave me a $500 bonus on my last check. i put ALL of the bonus into savings. the paycheck before that, i could spare $200 to go into savings. it's just SO NICE to not have to give one entire paycheck away. fingers crossed that i'll find a new job in late july/august so i can continue to make my savings account happy.

the last few moments in my studio.

i did ride into a bike store today, though... and fell in love with a little red bike for $150. i might just buy it.

306: last night.

tonight is my last night in my studio apartment. movers are coming between 130 and 230 in the afternoon. i've spent my night packing and cleaning up some things. i still have a lot more stuff to clean and pack, but the movers are only moving the large and heavy pieces and putting into my storage unit. everything else i will be moving myself. 

i moved into this studio in april 2012. before i lived here, i shared an apartment with my exboyfriend mark and his friend blake. our lease was up at the end of march. that january mark had started to talk about living with his friend amanda. he said i could live with them too, but that he was going to move in with her. from there, it was downhill. i refused to live with her so i started looking for a place to live. i looked at an apartment that was supposed to be a studio, but the manager showed me a two bedroom instead and then made me feel awful that i couldn't afford it. i arranged a meeting with another apartment only to show up and have the guy say that he already rented the place. i looked at a studio down the block from my current studio and it was TINY. i found this studio on craigslist; someone was trying to sublease it. it ended up being pretty much perfect. all the utilities were included, it allowed cats, it was in a decent neighborhood (brady street), and the price was good enough ($525).

my boss patti, her husband and son, and my coworker katie moved me out of my old apartment and into this fourth floor walk-up studio. i didn't stay here for the first week. the very first night i slept in my apartment i had meghan stay over with me. after that, i ended up sleeping on my futon for a while. i bought a couch and a chair. i bought shelving units. i filled up my place with comfortable pieces. i made it a home.

i've had only a few issues living here. i have a drafty window. none of the windows stay open by themselves. i had a spurt of awful electricity. my kitchen sink is still broken. they raised rent to $599. i heard their raising it again once i move out. 

well. things are packed or in the process of being packed. my bed is ready to be taken apart and the mattress are ready to be sealed in plastic. i wrapped my chair and ottoman myself. i'm spending the night sleeping on my couch... basically just how i started my little life in this studio apartment. 

i'll spend the reset of the week moving things out and taking them to my mom's and cleaning the shit out of this place. i did the best i could with sweeping tonight, but i really want to vacuum my hardwood floors and mop them. and then i'll do my final walk-through and peace out.

it's been real, 306.

sociology games.

i've procrastinated myself into a tizzy. my sociology class was a u-paced class, meaning i can go at my own pace as long as i complete the assignments by the end of the semester. i started the class, what, last week? and i've been awful at doing one quiz a day.

and do you know why? because i bought the stupid hunger games trilogy books and i can't put them down. i powered through the first book last week. i started the second one monday night and i'm almost done with it. i read a chapter or two when i wake up in the morning (i willingly get up earlier for this!), i read a few when i come home from work, one or two throughout the night between sociology and dicking around on the internet, and then one chapter before i go to bed. good grief.

what am i going to do when i finish the series? i'll be so lost. i've never had a weird YA lit addiction/obsession like this. this is strange and i'm not sure i like it very much.

but i do need to get my ass in gear with this sociology stuff. there's a little more than two weeks left to power through. two quizzes a day, basically. ughhh.

better. happy.

my mom was 29 years old when i was born. she was 24 when my brother was born. she was married a year (maybe two) before that, making her 23 (or 22). i think by the time chris was born, my parents had already purchased the house we still have.

i'm going to be 28 this year. i have an awful dating track record. i pick really awful partners. i'm losing my job and moving back home. by the time my mom was 28, she was already married, had a house, and had a child while another on the way.

i know i shouldn't compare myself to my mom. i have done things she has never done. i went to college and graduated. i moved out of my parents house. i went back to school again. i've travelled a smidge more than she has (i think she's only been to the poconos, vegas, and calgary vs my alaska, texas, cleveland, multiple trips to chicago that i sorta know my way around, and aruba). i've lived in downtown milwaukee and that's something she is terrified of...

my friends are starting to get engaged, married, buy houses, have kids. even my friends from college are finding jobs in their fields or going to grad school. i feel like i'm falling behind the curve. like i'm somehow below average because i haven't quite figured out my life.

i shouldn't compare myself to others. sometimes i just can't help it.

and then i have to remember, the things those people want are not the same as me. i don't want to get married. i'm not sure about kids. i want to travel without worrying. i might want a house- but i want a small house and i want it to be built for me. i'm not sure if i want to live in the city and enjoy all it has to offer or if i want to move out into the country and enjoy the peace while i garden, sit on a swing, or lay in the grass. i'm not sure if i want to open a catering business or become a social worker or just work some crappy job that allows me to pay my bills and get me to places i want to go.

i have to remember not to compare myself. not to my friends. and not my mother. she never wanted me to be like her. she wants me to be better. happy.