can't stick with it.

i graduated from oshkosh in 2010. i was 23. i went back to school in milwaukee when i was 25. it started with art history. then special education. then nursing.

and now? nursing isn't working out so well. the more classes i attend, the dumber i feel. the more irritated i get with science classes and how the professor don't actually teach. you'd think by now i would have some sort of conviction to pick a major and stick with it.

but no. now my mind is wandering to social work. or art education. or jewelry&metalsmithing. i just don't know. what i do know is that i want to be happy. i want to use my hands. i want to contribute to society in a good way. i want to spill compassion everywhere.

i also want to run away.

my job satisfies me for only a few minutes every day... sometimes more if i get to work on a project creating a new whatever or making something we usually don't sell. i like using my hands. most days it doesn't bother me that i need to soak and massage my hands for a good ten minutes in the morning before they are a functional part of my body. i need more. and i need to use my hands.

i'm certain i obtained that quality from my grandpa. he was always working with his hands, always building or fixing or breaking-on-purpose-to-make-it-better fixing things. he respected anyone who used their hands for a living. he passed away in 2010, but i can still remember how rough and chapped his hands were. how scarred and cut up they were. and how it was okay because he was happy making things or fixing things. he was great and i just want him to be proud of me.

anyway. i really don't know what to do about school. i'm really just fed up with a&p and math. i hate both and nothing is clicking. maybe i need to take a semester off or, at the very least, avoid summer classes.

this isn't going to work, is it?

i haven't spoken to danny in a week. last friday we got dinner together. this whole trying to be friends thing just ins't going well. in terms of ex's, i'd say i'm still friends with most of mine. danny is not. trying to create a friendship is really tough for him. he'll say and do things that are mean or he forgets that we're not together. part of this is my fault for not creating clear boundaries; i do tend to blur the lines a little to make adjusting to a friendship a little easier for myself. it's selfish, but it helps me. anyway. he touched my stomach and i told him to stop and he built up his wall and shut down on me. when we were leaving he kissed me and said he still wanted me.

i'm over that relationship. neither one of us were happy and it was becoming toxic and draining. i didn't respond to him, i walked to my car, and started to drive home. he called me while i was driving and wanted to talk, but i heard it as he wanted to start a fight. telling me what i want and how i feel is one sure fire way to lose me. i think that solidified it, the end. if you can't be nice, we can't be friends. he texted me maybe half an hour or an hour later saying it felt later than it was and the following day he sent me another text saying that his grandmas were talking about me. i never responded.

i'm not going to call. i'm done with the back and forth. i know it's difficult for him and this is the only way i know how to make it easier... to just back away and let him be. i know he's internally pissy that i haven't called and he's probably assuming that i don't care. i'm not into this game. when i see holly at school, we chat about him and her ex. i don't know... it sucks because you spend so much time with someone and then it ends and you can't be friends? it seems like such a waste to me.

like i said, we weren't happy. i think we both liked the person we thought the other was. i like the idea of the danny who said he wanted to do the peace corps and seemed like he genuinely liked my niece, who seemed comfortable in his own skin and to be on his own... not the danny he really is. and i'm sure he likes the idea of the lizzie who is affectionate and always around. and that's not really who i am. you can't love the idea of someone and expect it to work. and you can't expect that person to fit the mold you created for them; that is unfair. and to expect things to stay the same, for things to be exactly the way they were when you first met or the same as this time last year or whatever... that's unrealistic. if my life was exactly the same as it was last year, i would be so miserable to repeating the past, not growing at all. we deserve to be happy. danny deserves to be happy. i deserve to be happy. and for whatever reasons, we can't make each other happy.

and that's that. i'm foregoing a party tomorrow night because i know danny will be there. instead i'm going to sit at home and eat chips&guac while studying. or pinteresting. or watching netflix. and that's quite alright with me.

switching.

i'm still really struggling with school. i'm contemplating dropping the remaining classes i have and just cutting my losses for the semester. i've thought about switching to social work. it might be more practical for me- requires less math and science classes. it still falls into my interests. i wanted to do nursing because i wanted to work at an abortion clinic and planned parenthood. i can still help women and children via social work. i still need to look into UWM's social work requirements.

my other option is the peace corps, which i have been talking about for almost a decade. it's harder now because i have my cats... and then there's ava and liam. i'm just not sure i could leave them when they're so small and miss out on those memories... advice would be great.

other than that, not a whole lot has been happening. my coworker's last day was yesterday. danny and i are trying to make a friendship work and it just doesn't seem to be happening. i always have homework to do. same ol' same ol'.