down and out.

i'm having a rough moment.
the kind where i get real down and out on myself.
because i'm comparing myself…
shall i explain?

my friends from oshkosh have jobs working in the environmental field or went off to grad school (one just finished her masters in chemistry and is currently traveling around europe). and then there's me, just bumming around working in bakeries and retail jobs. my friend andrew just applied to the DNR in madison and got the job. he'll be moving from fond du lac to madison sometime next month.

and then i think about me. i'm probably going to be working two part-time jobs for a while. IF everything goes as planned, i won't graduate until 2017. and things rarely go as planned for me. plus i'll have to take the nursing exam to actually become a RN. and i live at home. and i'm just so unhappy right now.

when i was sitting for two hours between classes, i was trying to focus on all the things i love, really love. i love my cats (marla is on my shoulder, purring loudly. jasper is creeping his way up my side). i love ava and liam. i love them so much. and that's basically where my love ended.

i don't know. it's just a rough day i guess.
the weather changed.

SO.

MCC closed august 2nd.

my summer classes ended on august 15th.

my fall classes started september 2nd.

i started a new job today.
about that:
i don't particularly care for it. it's at a donut and pizza shop in tosa. i work behind the counter. basically i'm supposed to fill your donut orders and make fancy drinks. i'm scheduled 2 to 3 days a week for 4-6 hours (usually). i make $8 an hour (i think? no one ever told me and i was too dumb to ask before i accepted the job). i got $26 in tips today so that was kind of awesome. but i don't know how long i'll be staying there.

i had a job interview at honeypie this past wednesday. i'm going back this coming tuesday to work in the kitchen for about an hour so they can see what i can do. if i get this job and it pays more, i think i might have to take it. my other option is to try to work both and go to school.

i'm also considering applying at the pabst for event staffing.

school is rough. none of my classes are easy breezy. or even a little easy. i have five. i'm repeating math. my tuesdays/thursdays consist of four classes from 1230 to 645.

danny and i went down to chicago this past weekend. kind of a tradition now- the weekend before my classes start… we've done it two or three times now. it was nice. we went to the science and industry museum and did a lot of walking around the city. found some good places to eat. took the bus and train a few times. i picked up four new records, some cupcakes, and we stopped at ikea on the way back. a good trip.

it's friday night, quarter to 9. i'm about to start on some homework. i was ready for bed before 8pm just because it was so damn dark out. i love fall, but i'm not ready. i barely even got a summer.

x.

i wish i was a happier girl.

danny and i are sort of mending the breaks? but not really enough to make things better. he's going on a date on thursday. he claims he's just looking for new friends. i don't believe him.

i'm lonely. i'm sad. i'm mad that i don't have a job. i mad that i have to spend so much time doing homework and studying. i'm upset that i have some shitty friends or friends that don't really know me anymore. i'm upset by how negative i've been getting.

i'm just... not happy.

stressing.

i got an A in my social work class.
i bombed my math midterm.
a&p is super questionable.

danny and i got into it saturday night.
he said a multitude of hurtful things to me.
his number is blocked from my phone.
i deactivated my facebook for a few days.
(because i blocked him, unblocked him, and fb told me i had to wait 48 hours to reblock him.)

i'm starting to worry about money.
i only have two more paychecks left at MCC.
my bills are really getting to me.

i'm really stressing out.

quickie.

a few things...

i got an A in nursing research. hooray for me.
i never did buy that little red bike.

i have two weeks left of my social work class.
i'm doing pretty well in it. but i don't think i want to be a social worker.

my math class goes until mid-august.
i'm not sure why i thought it ended in three weeks, but i wish it did.

a&p2 starts on tuesday.

i've had a headache/migraine since last week sunday.
i should probably go to the doctor now.

i still haven't unpacked from moving.

and that's about it.

procrastination thought vomit.

i am 100% procrastinating.

i have a powerpoint presentation with voiceover due by noon on thursday for my nursing research class. i also have to find five articles for my desired topic and do an evidence table and some other stuff.  i haven't started any of it. i just don't want to.

so here i am. it's 10pm. at 830 i told myself i was going to start this. then suddenly it was 9. then 930. that's when i pulled out the information for this assignment and looked at it. i made a table in my microsoft word knock off... and then i decided i needed a break...?

so i've made a deal with myself. if i can get my five articles, the evidence table, the abstracts together, create my narrative, write my references in APA, and just start the powerpoint all before i decide to crash for the night, i am going to buy myself that beautiful red bike i saw over the weekend (as long as it's still there and is the correct size). so... that's the plan.

in other news, my mom and i purchased new cell phones. i dropped my phone about two months ago and it stopped fully charging. this past weekend it wouldn't charge past 20% and it would die almost immediately. we ended up getting iPhones- i used to have a samsung galaxy s2, my mom had a crazy basic pantech phone. the iPhone isn't bad. i don't know what makes it so awesome though. maybe i don't have the right apps yet.

spawning from my new phone joy, danny asked me how much my phone was. it was a little over $500. at&t has this thing were you can pay for it over time instead of upfront. i don't know if they got rid of the $200 buying the phone outright program; that wasn't even offered to my mom and i. my mom claims that her at&t buddy joel said they had gotten rid of the program, but the website wasn't updated? regardless, we had already signed our contracts and blah blah blah. danny kept going on about how we shouldn't have done that, saying how he was just trying to help me save money because he knows how i don't have a lot, etc etc. i just ended up getting pissed. first of all, he doesn't know how much money i have. it's true i don't make a lot of money. but i also have a stash of stupid visa credit card gift cards laying around. i'm also getting my security deposit back from my studio. so RIGHT THERE is the cost of my phone and then some. second, the contract was ALREADY SIGNED. it was done and over with. there was no point in continuing the conversation on something that had already been finalized. so i told him to stop talking about it. eventually it ended up being a fight where he told me i was "cold" and i tried to defend my position by logically saying that the contract was already signed and there was nothing else to discuss. he just kept repeating that i was cold and that i shouldn't contact him again because he just can't deal with my responses and if this is how i'm going to respond to someone just trying to help me then he doesn't want to talk to me. i didn't respond.

in fact, i deleted his number and his texts from my phone. i have a feeling he did the same. my number used to be listed on Facebook, so even if he did delete my number, he could always find it again without asking his siblings... until today when i removed it. his number is still on Facebook, but the likelihood that i'm going to seek out his number while i'm out and about is very unlikely.

i just can't deal with his on again off again friendship. he's too fucking sensitive. he can't take criticism. he can't see how he treats or speaks to people and how it sometimes comes off as rude and condescending. yes, i can be a bitch. yes, sometimes i just don't give a fuck or i don't have the patience to deal with someone who is acting childish. sometimes i, myself, act childish or silly. but to say that i'm cold? to say that i need to watch my tone? woah buddy, you better check yourself. i told myself that the next time he pulls this "we can't be friends" thing, it's over for me. friendship over. and i'm fairly certain this is it. and i feel almost okay with it... but part of me is like "eeehhhhh, maybe i'll just text him to see how it is. maybe i'll send him a picture of my cats. maybe he'll want to go for a bike ride this weekend."

but honestly, maybe it's better he steps out of my life. i can focus on school without having to make time for him. i can continue on with my double major without anyone questioning or suggesting or even stating that this is too much. hell, maybe i'll even lose all the weight i ended up gaining when i started to date him. i know i can be happy without him. i just think it's a shame to have spent almost two years with someone only to throw a friendship away since the relationship failed.

and that's another thing! he's constantly asking if i can see myself dating him again. and when things like this happen, no. no i cannot. and frankly i'm not sure i would want to date him again. i don't know if i'd want to marry him. i think that after all the fights and the take-backs, i'm just worn out. when i think about my future, i can see myself alone. i can see myself living out in the country in a little cottage with a small garden. i can see a sort of hazy child- could be biological, could be adopted, could even be ava or liam. who knows. but right now i don't see any partner. i don't see danny. i see myself and i look content with my life choices.

ANYWAY. homework.

no rent = happy savings account!

can i just say that not having to pay $600 in rent this month has been awesome? especially for my savings account. i hope the rest of summer is awesome like this, with very little expenses. my boss gave me a $500 bonus on my last check. i put ALL of the bonus into savings. the paycheck before that, i could spare $200 to go into savings. it's just SO NICE to not have to give one entire paycheck away. fingers crossed that i'll find a new job in late july/august so i can continue to make my savings account happy.

the last few moments in my studio.

i did ride into a bike store today, though... and fell in love with a little red bike for $150. i might just buy it.